The Premiere of Sox Appeal

I don't know who coined the term "Pink Hat Nation", although I'm sure Bill Simmons will take credit for it. You can spot members of PHN a mile away. They're the ones who believe that Red Sox history began in 2003. They think it's cute that the Sox named the foul pole after the old guy that used to sit in the dugout . "They call him pesky 'cause he's so little!" They go to Dirt Dogs for all of their Sox news. They wear things like this:



And of course, this:



PHN is a constant burden on the true Red Sox fans who have been following the team longer than the average celebutard prison stay. The front office, under the direction of the Evil Dentist, has created a circus-like atmosphere that almost makes the game on the field secondary, in order to keep PHN amused. The most egregious of these stunts made its debut after Wednesday night's game against the Orioles.

This was a come from behind victory. One of those games where you're really interested in what the players and manager have to say afterwards. But not tonight. Tonight, you'd just have to wait. After all, "there's more than one way to score at the ballpark".

Introducing...



It's a dating show.

From NESN:

Each episode a single fan (man or woman) is sent on three blind dates over the course of one Red Sox game. Everybody involved better bring their "A" game because each date only lasts two innings. During the seventh inning stretch, our single fan chooses the date he/she wants to continue dating. (And maybe, just MAYBE, they get to experience something at Fenway that most fans would kill for.)

Will our hero win and his choice join him for the rest of the game? Or will he suffer the agony of defeat. Alone. In his single seat.

Along the way, Red Sox Nation gets a chance to sound off. From the pros to the schmoes, we'll hear everything from intimate details of the frontline's of dating to an inside baseball look at dating strategy. Sox Appeal is the voice of the Nation.

Yeah.

I really don't know what we did to deserve this. Wasn't the Boston vs NY Poker Challenge enough? Not to pull a Shank here but look at the YES Network. They have Yankeeography, Yankees Classics and Tales of Triumph. We have The Remy's, RemDawg Unleashed and Inside Remy's Colon. Don't laugh, it could happen.

And now we have a freakin' dating show.

Well, you know what they say. "When in Fenway..."

Cue the TiVo.

Kathryn Tappen (insert reference to her "assets" here) is on Landsdowne St, explaining the Sox Appeal concept. Given that she makes no references to Guantanamo Bay, I think she's lying. It should come as absolutely no surprise that the SA narrator sounds like he just got off the night shift at a South Boston packie. What does surprise me is that apparently Lenny Clarke wasn't available.

The man of the hour is Garrett Lucash from Saugus. He's 28 and a professional figure skater. He looks like a cross between Danny Wood and Dave Burns from Real World: Seattle. We can only hope that one of the women is named Kyra.

Whoever had 13 seconds in the Figure Skaters Are Gay Reference Pool, please raise your hand.

Not Lenny Clark explains the basic rules: three women, two innings each and he'll pick the one he likes the most to come back for the ninth inning. The rejects will be sent "back to the bleachers", which is SA's version of "the tribe has spoken", "pack up your knives", etc.

I'll spare you the lyrics to the theme song. Using the theme from M*A*S*H would have the same effect.

The first victi...contestant is Hannah Grutchfield, a "fun loving actuary" from Fitchburg. You know how you can tell she loves fun? She's 29 and wearing pigtails. Wheeeee! There needs to be an age limit on things like this. Same with shirts that have words spelled out in Swarovski crystals. Just stop it already.

Hannah's idea of a perfect guy is one that's big enough to pick her up and swing her around. In other words, one of the Geico Cavemen.

Cute little anecdotes about dating from Sox players and fans are interspersed, including Curt and Shonda Schilling. I can't believe they got Curt to appear on camera! That's the get of the the year right there.

Hannah is about to meet Garrett for the first time at a lovely table for two in the Right Field Pavilion seats. My dad retired a couple of years ago from Shawmut Design and was on the crew that built that section at Fenway. It was the job that convinced him it was time to retire. I probably shouldn't tell him that the section he froze his ass off to build in the dead of winter is now being used as the set of a dating show.

Hannah and Garrett sit down and start talking about themselves. She makes little effort to squelch her double take when he drops the figure skating bomb but makes a nice recovery, asking how he got interested in skating. On the field, J.D. Drew just slid into second base. I thought this was supposed to be a reality show?

Garrett can sense that the figure skating has left Hannah a little squicky so he tells her that he was also a baseball player...in high school. Hey Garrett, I played basketball in grammar school. Should I start using that as a pickup line? The reason he chose figure skating over baseball? "Every guy gets to throw a ball around. I get to throw a girl around." It's so easy a caveman could do it.

Someone sends a beer down to the table for Garrett. Now this is obviously a setup and it's not the least bit subtle. Hannah already has a beer. Garrett's drinking water. You know where this is going, right?

"I just don't like beer."

Strike two.

She likes country music. He's a DJ so he likes...

Wait. He's a former baseball player, championship figure skater AND a DJ? This guy's resume must look like a Magic 8 Ball. Will he pick Hannah? *shakes* "Reply hazy, try again."

The first inning is over and Don and Jerry offer their observations from booth. The biggest surprise of the night could be that he did it without plugging The Remy Report.

There are three guys sitting at the table above Hannah and Garrett that serve as the Crow and Servo of the dates, only much less funny and interesting. That being said, I'm sure they'll have a show on NESN next spring.

Hannah asks Garrett if that's his natural hair color. It's not.

Strike three!

Mercifully, the second inning comes to a close on a Julio Lugo strikeout. Hannah leaves the pavilion seats and says that when she talked about a guy that could pick her up, she wasn't thinking about a figure skater and she can't believe he doesn't drink beer. That must be actuary speak for "I think he's a screaming queen."

Inning number three begins and in comes Jennifer Nania from Quincy. She looks like Elisabeth Hasselbeck, minus the Orange-Glo. She's a headhunter and is looking for someone with a great personality and very goal oriented. Uh oh. Jen has a beer in her hand already. This doesn't bode well. They shake hands and the first thing she asks is where's his beer? When he explains, she offers him a way out by asking if he's a vodka man. Garrett's face lights up in agreement. "I like my hard liquor." I'm impressed that Not Lenny Clarke didn't take advantage of that fast ball down the middle to make a joke about fruity drinks.

Garrett asks about her previous relationships and Jen seems a little evasive. When he presses the issue, she admits to not having had many long term relationships. He's the same way. It's hard to commit when you're always on the road. I guess lovin' a skating man ain't always what it's supposed to be. It's a quick inning, with Jacoby Ellsbury grounding out to second and things between Garrett and Jen seem a little, I don't know, moody.

We're back to the cute little anecdotes. Sweet Jesus, was that Gayle and Laura from the Inside Track?? Hang on...yes, it was. What's next? The Cheeto Twins?

It's the top of the 4th and our couple has switched to the lighter topics of fate, destiny and love at first sight. Man, these two are depressing. They're made for each other. While cheering for a foul ball caught by a fan (by the way, she claps like a seal), Garrett sneaks a look at her rack. Is it too late to become a Cubs fan?

Jen tells Garrett that while she wears the pants in her relationships, she does make sure that her man is taken care of. During this conversation, a fan comes up behind them and takes a picture. Why???

Jen seems more interested in talking to the guys in the table above them and Garrett's looking a little sad but things rebound when Jen starts telling him how she knows exactly what she wants in life and is very sure of herself. He seems to like that. Perhaps all those years of throwing women around has left him wanting to be dominated. I'm just saying.

Youk grounds out to third and our second date is over. This one went much better than the first and Jen seems to have some interest in Garrett. The fans that are judging the date seem to agree.

There's no way this show is only a half hour long. I feel like days have gone by. Weeks, even.

Our last contestant is Tabitha Jones, a behavioral therapist from Warwick, RI. If I'm Garrett, I would run like hell towards the exits. Can you imagine dating a behavioral therapist? You must feel like you're a dog at obedience school. She's a little different, though. Bigger hair, big earrings. Given that he's from Saugus, I'm sure he'll feel right at home. She's looking for a guy with a nice personality, nice teeth and a sense of direction. Boy, that's a refreshing change from most women who are typically looking for an asshole with missing teeth and a futon in Mom's cellar.

Tabitha compliments Garrett on his eyes and he seems genuinely flattered. It's almost cute. Emphasis on almost. When she responds to the figure skater announcement with "no suh!", a Sox Appeal Glossary pops up on the screen.

"No Sir pron. (no.sah)
Origin - New England Vernacular
1. A declarative form of "No Way." Sometimes expressed as Wicked, No Freakin' Way, or Pissaah."

Sigh.

Surprisingly, she thinks it's great that he's a figure skater and gives him a bit of gentle ribbing about it but nothing like the outright hostility we saw from Hannah. She's very affectionate, reaching across the table to touch his hand. I like her and I think Garrett does too. The fifth inning comes to a close and there are smiles all around.

Top of the 6th and Barry Bonds hits a home run just over the fence into the bullpen. The crowd is booing but Tabitha seems a little disinterested. Garrett asks if she knows who Barry Bonds is and she admits to knowing the name but she's "not a diehard". My grandmother knows why Barry is being booed and she died six years ago. Garrett is a little rattled by this and asks if she's a big Red Sox fan. She shakes her head. What the hell?

"I am a fan of another team."
"Who?"
"The Yankees."

Oh no she didn't.

She's a Yankees fan. How did she end up on a Red Sox dating show? Simple. It's the oldest trick in the reality show book. The "shocking twist". It's like bringing back the person who was voted off the island weeks ago to decide who goes home this week and then takes that person's place.

Garrett's face drops and he yells up to the crowd that she's a Yankees fan. They immediately start to boo and throw things at her. She smirks and says she's very proud of it. Whatever. You can tell Garrett just wants the inning to end but there's only two outs so he asks her what she considers to be the dealbreaker in a relationship. Her response?

"Bad sex."

Clunk.

The inning is over and Garrett triple salchows out of his chair to kick her ass back to the bleachers. The crowd boos mercilessly, as they should.

Not Lenny Clark recaps the three contestants and it's decision time for Garrett. The women are sitting in the bleachers, waiting to find out who will be the chosen one. After much deliberation and in the MOST DRAMATIC JUMBOTRON CEREMONY EVER, Garrett picks Jen, the headhunter. She sees her name on the Jumbotron and starts running back to the pavilion, high fiving everyone along the way. Meanwhile, Hannah says that she knows her special someone is still out there and and Tabitha, well, no one really cares about Tabitha. Jen runs down the pavilion stairs and jumps into Garrett's arms. The crowd cheers and throws flowers as them. I wish I was making that up.

As Garrett and Jen make their way out of the park, we're told that they spent the rest of the day hitting the bars on Landsdowne Street and were last seen boarding a Fung Wah bus that was heading south.

Sometimes the ending just writes itself.