Despite the hopes and prayers of real Red Sox fans, Sox Appeal has returned for its second episode. The only consolation to be found is that because of the Sox playing in Anaheim against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Orange County of California of The United States of the Western Hemisphere, it's on before the game starts.
No sense in postponing the misery any longer. Time for the first pitch.
Kathryn Tappen gives a spiel about Sox fans believing in fate and destiny. I'm pretty sure Fate and Destiny dance with Mystique and Aura on Saturday nights.
The man of the hour is 24 year old Amar Parekh. He's a clinical research coordinator for oncology and a grad student. He's also Indian. This is important, Not Lenny Clarke explains, because Mama and Papa Parekh have given Amar until he's 30 to find a wife or they're arranging a marriage for him. You mean he only has SIX MORE YEARS to find a wife?? Let's put him on Sox Appeal!
Amar is a decent looking guy and as far as I can tell, he doesn't dye his hair, which puts him ahead of last week's Brian Boitano. He's very well built. Nice muscular arms....
I need a moment.
Wait, wait, put the hat back on, Amar.
Now I need a cigarette.
We're off to the ballpark, where Amar takes his seat on the Right Field Roof deck. He's barely in his seat when NLC drops a bombshell. Sitting in the Crow and Servo seats will be none other than...Amar's parents.
If Mama Parekh asks asks any of these dates if they know how to cook aloo gobi, I'm throwing the television out the window. I'm completely serious about this.
Julian Tavarez throws the first pitch and down comes our first contestant. She's Amanda Oleson, 24, from Auburn.
Occupation?
Cheerleading coach.
You couldn't make this shit up if you tried.
Amanda says that while she'd love to meet the man of her dreams, she's really "not that picky". Given that the bottom of her skirt meets the top of her tank top, I never would have guessed.
Amar and Amanda exchange greetings and sit down to get to know each other better. After hearing that she's a cheerleading coach and a dancer, he points to the open space behind them.
Oh, please don't.
They get up and start dancing. The look on Mama Parekh's face is priceless. How do you say "awww hell no" in Hindi?
Amar sits down and lets Amanda Bring It On.
"You say this show, I say sucks! THIS SHOW!"
"SUCKS!"
"THIS SHOW!"
"SUCKS!"
Security is called to keep prevent Mama Parekh from throwing herself off of the roof deck.
Amanda sits back down and starts going into detail about what a hardcore partier she is.
Long detail.
In-depth detail.
Never f'ing ending detail.
Like, she was the only person in her entire, like, high school class to get TWO superlatives: biggest partier and worst case of senioritis. Woooo!
Cue the cute anecdotes from Red Sox Nation.
"If she drank more than me, I'd be a little worried about it", says the Herald's Tony Massarotti. A hard drinking Boston sports reporter? You don't say! *cough*Lobel*cough*
J.D. Drew hits one right at the Rangers' pitcher to end the inning. Finally, something based in reality.
Don and Jerry offer their observations from the booth.
"Don, she really does like to dance, doesn't she? And she looks terrific. But you know what would make her look even more terrific? A Zaka San headband from TheRemyReport.com. And while she's there, she could pick up a autographed scorecard from this game or maybe an autographed, game used cigarette butt. Free shipping and phlegm included!"
The second inning starts and ends with Amanda talking about only one thing: alcohol. I'm not kidding. In this god-awful Paris Hilton cadence, she rattles off a list of her favorite beverages like she's doing inventory at Kappy's. I think the only thing she left off was rubbing alcohol. But she's not a shots kind of girl. The only shot she'll do is a Mind Eraser.
Oh honey, I don't think you have anything to worry about.
Amar, who's wearing a conductor's hat for no apparent reason, looks horrified as she goes through the list. Amanda reminds me of someone but I can't quite put my finger on it. It'll come to me.
She tells him how she's been EVERYWHERE drinking. Like, Vegas, Florida for spring break, everywhere. Only "everywhere" doesn't include oversees and, as NLC points out, "47 of the 50 states."
Dustin Pedroia grounds out to first and the second inning comes to a close. Amanda makes sure to take her beer with her as she leaves.
I got it! I know who she reminds me of!!
Tavarez takes the mound for the third inning and in comes Juliana Schatz, 24, from Hartford, CT. Cue Brass Bonanza! Papa Parekh is really digging Juliana.
She just started working as a production assistant for an independent film company. Translation? Adjusting the webcam for YouTube videos. Amar started out as a film major and even made two small films, both of which Juliana finds completely uninteresting. While they talk about film for a bit, Mama and Papa Parekh appear a little bored. Mama looks at her phone, probably checking her text messages.
"OMG AYFKM? THSSUX. CML? KTHXBYE!"
Amar used to be a chubby guy, the kid that was always picked on in school, but he's lost a lot of weight and Juliana is impressed. I think she digs him. He's feelin' it too.
"I can't really concentrate on the game much. I keep getting lost in your eyes", he says.
Salvation seems miles away but thankfully Papi grounds out to first and inning number three is over. Don and Jerry make fun of Amar's hat. Jerry Remy is the last person who should be making fun of what someone wears on top of their head.
Inning number four and Amar and Juliana are talking about their mutual, die-hard love of the Sox, only to find out that this is the first game Juliana has ever been to. Some die-hard. Amar is so bothered by this that he quickly changes the subject, asking her if she plays any instruments. She doesn't but he does: accoustic guitar. He also claims to have been a singer in college but after hearing some of his Sweet Caroline, it becomes obvious that he graduated from Gallaudet University.
The Calcified Captain (©Ozzy) grounds out to the pitcher and the inning comes to a close. Juliana and Amar seem to have really hit it off. They're very playful with each other and we know Papa Parekh approves. Mama seems a little lukewarm but don't worry, Mrs. Parekh, they're about to bring in the ringer.
Jyoti is a 25 year old MIT grad, about to enter Harvard Business School. This girl's wicked smaaht. Mama and Papa are absolutely beaming. He graduated from UMASS-Amherst, pre-med, and is going for his doctorate in physical therapy. Mama and Papa continue beaming while the Roof Deck waitress brings them large iced coffees from Dunks. It's all about the product placement.
Speaking of iced coffee from Dunks, I highly recommend the Cup Coolers. They keep your beverage cold for hours and the condensation doesn't end up all over the place.
Besides having the collective IQ of a billion, Amar and Jyoti are also big karaoke fans. He loves Shout "by Otis Redding" (dumbass) and she's into Ace of Base. And speaking of bases, Manny grounds out to short and inning number five is over.
During the 6th, Amar finds out that this is Jyoti's seventh or eighth game of the season. Now THAT'S a die-hard. He starts teasing about being a smart Indian girl and you can tell she's a little put off, especially since he's no dummy, but all in all, she's a good sport about it.
While Mom and Pop are still beaming, Amar and Jyoti say their goodbyes. Now it's time for Amar to make his big decision. His parents join him at the table and can you believe it? They like Jyoti! But does Amar?
He turns towards the bleachers and holds up the sign revealing his choice. It's Juliana! I hope adjusting the webcams pays well because Amar just wrote himself out of the will. As she heads back to the Roof, Amanda says that she's a party girl and if people don't like it, it sucks to be them. I'm sure it does but at least their livers will still be functioning when they're 30.
Juliana meets Mama and Papa, the latter of whom is having a hard time keeping the smile off his face as he checks her out. The two of them leave Fenway and according to NCL, head to an Ingmar Bergman marathon. As they're walking to the theatre, Juliana spies Jyoti sitting in the window of a coffee shop with some friends from Harvard. Jyoti notices her coming over and motions to her friends to look as Juliana knocks on the window.
"Do you like apples?"
"Yeah", Jyoti replies.
Juliana takes out a piece of paper and slams it against the window.
"Well, I got his number. How do you like them apples?"
See you next week.
18 comments:
I'll bet Amanda would drink vanilla extract in a pinch. Doncha think? Like Tom Hanks did in that episode of Family Ties?
Boy, nothing beats a good booze story. Except maybe twenty booze stories.
You know that word verification thing? Thats how all printing looks to Amanda.
Great job, Tiki! And by the way, have you seen the previews of next week's exciting episode? Keep the boys indoors because this doofus is gonna send that TV out on to your driveway!
The crack NESN staff spelled the first chick's last name wrong on her baseball card. I liked how she still sat there after the inning ended because she wanted to finish her beer. Finally, the camera man, or someone had to tell her to take her beer and hit the bricks.
Is it always 3 girls to one guy? I'm wondering whether there are episodes where one chick has to suffer through 3 guys.
I'd love to see Jared Remy take up permanent residence in the Crow&Servo seats
Sorry, but I think this "pre-med" stuff was Amar eyewash. He probably just told Mom & Dad that so he didn't have to use the word "bedpans" out loud.
It was pretty clear that the 3rd girl was way out of his league. Pretty and intelligent and personable and ABLE TO SPEAK IN COMPLETE SENTENCES. Like any "smart Indian girl," I guess. Didn't know that was a pejorative.
Why didn't either #2 or #3 ask the obvious question of Amar: "Exactly when did you move out of your parents' house?" (Judging by the intro, it was about a week before the date.)
I have to admit, I love the fact that they serve the "contestants" the same swill beer they serve the paying customers.
And I love the fact that two guys swooped in on the "losers" before the game was even over.
Finally, I vote for 1 girl-3 guys as the girls to date have been too earnest. Drunk guys are always funny. Ask Lenny Clarke.
Yet again Dirt Dogs does a better job covering Sox Appeal. Direct and to the point without all the lame jokes on this blog. That's why he works for the Boston Globe and you have a blog nobody reads except Bruce Allen's buttboys. You suck.
This was hysterical; looking forward to next episode's review. And to Anonymous kissing Dirt Dog's ass..take your Globe and head down to the Vineyard...you h-mo
Fuck you punk. Dirt Dogs is the best Sox site out there. Go back to the hole you crawled out of faggot.
LOL... anonymous #1 is a real c**ksucker ain't he?... LOL
Carrying Dirt Dogs water now that the site is is soooo over, soooo 2005, soooo lame.
Does ANYONE even go to Dirt Dogs anymore? LOL...
The Internet Tough Guy is in the house tonight! Any chance of us getting a real name from you, or are you just the anonymous kind of ass-kicker? Because those are always the most intimidating.
The one-nut-wonder in tha' house!!!! Anonymous even.
So which minority Red Sox player will you trash next?
Hilarious. Nice job on the blog, too.
Friggin Dirt Dog...what a joke.
Anonymous can't be dirt dog...isn't he dead?
The only part of the show that I can stand is the theme song which is sung by local artist Chris Trapper, formerly of the Push Stars. From there, the show goes way downhill.
Dirt Dogs is "the best site out there" to the same people who think WEEI is humorous, entertaining, and informative. In other words, stupid people.
It's easily one of the worst sites I've ever had the misfortune of visiting.
This recap, on the other hand, is awesome. The Dirt Dog's head would explode if he were ever forced to string together this many complete sentences, never mind compose something thoughtful and humorous. Great job!
On behalf of the vast Red Sox Nation diaspora, I have to thank you for this blog. Believe it or not, Sox Appeal is actually blacked out for viewers outside NESN's home territory. While my eyes and ears will never suffer from watching the real thing, I miss out on the endless comedic material. So see, you're doing a public service! ;)
Dirt dogs is a great site for people who like sentence fragments written in all caps. It's to the point because it's like 15 words. Learn how to read, it'll help out a ton.
Thank you for this blog, it rules :-)
I'm a huge roadsteamer fan
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