What better way to follow a nutcrushing loss than with a nutcrushing dating show? And this time, the nutcrushing is for real as we have our first chick in the hot seat. Interesting that on the episode with our first chick, there's no Kathryn Tappen introduction. What, someone couldn't convince Tom Caron to put on a pair of hip huggers and walk down Landsdowne Street? This never would have happened if Sean McDonough was still alive.
Not Lenny Clarke introduces Laurie Snively, an "extreme commuter" and financial wholesaler who lives in Boston but works in New York. What the hell is a financial wholesaler? She's looking for someone who can make her laugh, whose family is important to them, is passionate about what they do and has a lot of friends.
Our first contestant is Josh Cupp, a 33 year old golf pro from Rome, NY. Rome, NY? What the hell? Why are we outsourcing the contestant pool? He describes himself as a "serial monogamist" but neglects to mention that he stole his hair style from Ed Grimely. Speaking of SNL, Laurie kind of looks like a taller Rachel Dratch.
Now Josh does something we haven't seen in our first two episodes. He sits down next to Laurie instead of sitting across from her. Interesting. Well, not really but you take what you can get with this show. He tells her how there's a big contingent of Red Sox fans in upstate New York and how at the golf course he runs with his brother, all the trash cans are marked "Yankees Hat Holders". Oh, my sides!
Laurie asks Josh to show her a good golf swing. As he tries to get his Tiger on, one of the folks in the Crow and Servo seats yells "hit it in the hole!" This is the most exciting moment of the show so far, as Laurie and Josh might be the two most boring people on the planet. I've watched test patterns that are more exciting than these two.
Josh is detailing his dating history and provides the ickiest moment of the series so far: he ranks a kiss in seventh grade as one of his top ten kisses ever. He's a serial monogamist and one of his top ten kisses came when he was 12. The kids at Jesus Camp have had more action than this guy.
Big Papi flies out to right to end the first inning. Don and Jerry comment on Josh's hair, saying it resembles a bird.
I can't believe how BORING these two are. We're obviously being punished for something. Did we not buy enough Red Sox Nation memberships? Is Remy not making enough off of paw print t-shirts to cover his weekly case of cigarettes? What the hell is going on here?
The second inning starts and Laurie asks John who his favorite Red Sox player is. "My favorite Red Sox player of all-time is Jim Rice. He was a left fielder, back in the day...from probably '74, maybe his rookie year to about 1990." I don't know about you but I'm sure glad Josh explained who Jim Rice is. I had never heard of him before. You have to give Josh a lot of credit for liking such an obscure player. Turns out Laurie is a Cubs fan, first and foremost, because she grew up in the Midwest. Again with the outsourcing!
Laurie reveals her job. She's the go-between person between a firm and their financial adviser. Well, that clears everything up. You know what? It actually does. That's the problem with this entire date. It's like a f'ing job interview. I keep waiting for Josh to say how he's looking to date outside the box or Laurie to say that that she's looking for someone with a ton of upside. They have absolutely no chemistry whatsoever, which becomes even more evident when Manny gets caught in a rundown to end the second and they SHAKE HANDS. How lame is that? Jesus, if you're going to have a dating show, at least make the people somewhat interesting. Hasn't Tom Werner ever seen Flavor of Love?
And speaking of Flavor of Love, if you haven't seen Comedy Central's roast of Flavor Flav yet, you must. Bill Simmons' friend Jimmy Kimmel is the host and he's decided that it's not too soon for Chris Benoit jokes. Trust me, it's worth it.
Unlike this show.
Josh thinks they have potential but isn't sure if her 9-5 world mixes well with his. I'm absolutely convinced that this guy hasn't touched a woman since that seventh grade kiss.
As if this first date wasn't bad enough, we're treated to more cute anecdotes from Red Sox Nation. Tony Massarotti is back and he's talking about alcohol again, which explains a lot of his columns.
Top of the third and in comes Micah Sherman, a 25 year old comedian. This has disaster written all over it for several reasons, the least of which is the fact that he's wearing a Tyson Meat Plant work shirt in an oh so ironic way. Upon seeing Laurie, Micah says "my, aren't you pretty" and gives her his half empty beer cup. Wow. But that's ok. When the roof deck waiter appears, he orders two more beers.
We've gone from the world's dullest golfer to the world's biggest douchebag.
You know that a show completely sucks when they resort to using a kid or a puppy and this time, it's a kid. A completely random kid that sits down next to Laurie for no apparent reason. He has blonde, spikey hair and is wearing a David Eckstein Cardinals jersey, even though it's a Rangers vs Sox game.
Wait a second..
Nope, I'm wrong. Even though they're the same height, that's not actually David Eckstein.
Micah shoos the kid away. Seriously, what the hell was that about? Who just walks over to someone's table and sits down like that? And what idiot at NESN thought they should leave that part in the show? I know, probably the same idiot who thought this show would be a good idea. Said idiot should be brought up on charges of war crimes because this is just torture.
As Laurie is talking about her career, Micah tells her that what he lacks for in money, he makes up for in personality. And here I was, thinking that Tyson shirt was vintage. When Micah tells her he's a comedian, she asks for some material.
"Why did my wife cross the road?"
"To nag me!"
I think I'm going to become a Yankees fan. This shit is embarrassing.
Papi flies out to center and brings the third to a merciful conclusion. There isn't enough alcohol on this planet to make this show enjoyable.
Micah tells Laurie to wave her arms back and forth above her head. She asks why and he says it's to prevent NESN from inserting thought bubbles. He proceeds to scream and shout like a lunatic while waving his arms over his head. Laurie looks absolutely horrified and the crowd is booing him. Laurie begs him to say something to redeem himself.
"I don't think you're ugly."
Someone needs to beat the living hell out of this guy, along with Tom Werner, Larry Lucchino, John Henry, Charles Steinberg and whoever else has the slightest bit of involvement with this clusterfuck. Honestly, death is too good for these people. They should be locked in a room with Angry Bill, Eddie Andelman and Suzyn Waldman and forced to watch this show on an endless loop for their rest of their lives.
The date ends and Douchey picks up the four beers on the table, along with the veggies and dip, and leaves the roof deck to a chorus of boos. He's lucky someone didn't do the world a favor by picking him up and throwing him off the roof.
The last guy is Tim Wilson, a 31 year old software developer from Bedford, NH. Tim would have to be a crack addict with Tourette's in order to screw this up. He presents her with a program that he had everyone around him sign and says it's like a yearbook for the evening. That's kind of cute. He's kind of cute. They talk about baseball, how they both love Chicago and raise their beers in a toast to the Windy City.
Don Orsillo just made fun of the gap between Tim's teeth. Do me a favor. Throw a Clemens jersey on Orsillo, throw him in the room with the rest of the mongrels and let him be Suzyn's personal Jack Rabbit.
They talk about their volunteer work (who knew?) and Laurie reveals that she spent two months in Bolivia, working at an orphanage for girls.
SHE WORKED AT AN ORPHANAGE AND YOU BASTARDS SET HER UP WITH MICAH??? HAVE YOU NO SOUL???
The sixth inning is over and Tim heads back to the bleachers, leaving Laurie to make her decision. I want it noted for the record that if she picks Micah, I'm taking a blowtorch to NESN studios.
She's sitting at the table....she's writing the name on the posterboard....she stands up...holds up the sign....and it's.....
...over! Thank you, Jesus. That was the longest half hour of my entire life.
Oh yeah, she picked Tim.