Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Sox Appeal Episode 3: Just Shoot Me

What better way to follow a nutcrushing loss than with a nutcrushing dating show? And this time, the nutcrushing is for real as we have our first chick in the hot seat. Interesting that on the episode with our first chick, there's no Kathryn Tappen introduction. What, someone couldn't convince Tom Caron to put on a pair of hip huggers and walk down Landsdowne Street? This never would have happened if Sean McDonough was still alive.

Not Lenny Clarke introduces Laurie Snively, an "extreme commuter" and financial wholesaler who lives in Boston but works in New York. What the hell is a financial wholesaler? She's looking for someone who can make her laugh, whose family is important to them, is passionate about what they do and has a lot of friends.

Our first contestant is Josh Cupp, a 33 year old golf pro from Rome, NY. Rome, NY? What the hell? Why are we outsourcing the contestant pool? He describes himself as a "serial monogamist" but neglects to mention that he stole his hair style from Ed Grimely. Speaking of SNL, Laurie kind of looks like a taller Rachel Dratch.



Now Josh does something we haven't seen in our first two episodes. He sits down next to Laurie instead of sitting across from her. Interesting. Well, not really but you take what you can get with this show. He tells her how there's a big contingent of Red Sox fans in upstate New York and how at the golf course he runs with his brother, all the trash cans are marked "Yankees Hat Holders". Oh, my sides!



Laurie asks Josh to show her a good golf swing. As he tries to get his Tiger on, one of the folks in the Crow and Servo seats yells "hit it in the hole!" This is the most exciting moment of the show so far, as Laurie and Josh might be the two most boring people on the planet. I've watched test patterns that are more exciting than these two.

Josh is detailing his dating history and provides the ickiest moment of the series so far: he ranks a kiss in seventh grade as one of his top ten kisses ever. He's a serial monogamist and one of his top ten kisses came when he was 12. The kids at Jesus Camp have had more action than this guy.

Big Papi flies out to right to end the first inning. Don and Jerry comment on Josh's hair, saying it resembles a bird.

I can't believe how BORING these two are. We're obviously being punished for something. Did we not buy enough Red Sox Nation memberships? Is Remy not making enough off of paw print t-shirts to cover his weekly case of cigarettes? What the hell is going on here?

The second inning starts and Laurie asks John who his favorite Red Sox player is. "My favorite Red Sox player of all-time is Jim Rice. He was a left fielder, back in the day...from probably '74, maybe his rookie year to about 1990." I don't know about you but I'm sure glad Josh explained who Jim Rice is. I had never heard of him before. You have to give Josh a lot of credit for liking such an obscure player. Turns out Laurie is a Cubs fan, first and foremost, because she grew up in the Midwest. Again with the outsourcing!

Laurie reveals her job. She's the go-between person between a firm and their financial adviser. Well, that clears everything up. You know what? It actually does. That's the problem with this entire date. It's like a f'ing job interview. I keep waiting for Josh to say how he's looking to date outside the box or Laurie to say that that she's looking for someone with a ton of upside. They have absolutely no chemistry whatsoever, which becomes even more evident when Manny gets caught in a rundown to end the second and they SHAKE HANDS. How lame is that? Jesus, if you're going to have a dating show, at least make the people somewhat interesting. Hasn't Tom Werner ever seen Flavor of Love?

And speaking of Flavor of Love, if you haven't seen Comedy Central's roast of Flavor Flav yet, you must. Bill Simmons' friend Jimmy Kimmel is the host and he's decided that it's not too soon for Chris Benoit jokes. Trust me, it's worth it.

Unlike this show.

Josh thinks they have potential but isn't sure if her 9-5 world mixes well with his. I'm absolutely convinced that this guy hasn't touched a woman since that seventh grade kiss.

As if this first date wasn't bad enough, we're treated to more cute anecdotes from Red Sox Nation. Tony Massarotti is back and he's talking about alcohol again, which explains a lot of his columns.

Top of the third and in comes Micah Sherman, a 25 year old comedian. This has disaster written all over it for several reasons, the least of which is the fact that he's wearing a Tyson Meat Plant work shirt in an oh so ironic way. Upon seeing Laurie, Micah says "my, aren't you pretty" and gives her his half empty beer cup. Wow. But that's ok. When the roof deck waiter appears, he orders two more beers.

For himself.

We've gone from the world's dullest golfer to the world's biggest douchebag.



You know that a show completely sucks when they resort to using a kid or a puppy and this time, it's a kid. A completely random kid that sits down next to Laurie for no apparent reason. He has blonde, spikey hair and is wearing a David Eckstein Cardinals jersey, even though it's a Rangers vs Sox game.

Wait a second..

Nope, I'm wrong. Even though they're the same height, that's not actually David Eckstein.

Micah shoos the kid away. Seriously, what the hell was that about? Who just walks over to someone's table and sits down like that? And what idiot at NESN thought they should leave that part in the show? I know, probably the same idiot who thought this show would be a good idea. Said idiot should be brought up on charges of war crimes because this is just torture.

As Laurie is talking about her career, Micah tells her that what he lacks for in money, he makes up for in personality. And here I was, thinking that Tyson shirt was vintage. When Micah tells her he's a comedian, she asks for some material.

"Why did my wife cross the road?"
"To nag me!"

I think I'm going to become a Yankees fan. This shit is embarrassing.

Papi flies out to center and brings the third to a merciful conclusion. There isn't enough alcohol on this planet to make this show enjoyable.

Micah tells Laurie to wave her arms back and forth above her head. She asks why and he says it's to prevent NESN from inserting thought bubbles. He proceeds to scream and shout like a lunatic while waving his arms over his head. Laurie looks absolutely horrified and the crowd is booing him. Laurie begs him to say something to redeem himself.

"I don't think you're ugly."

Someone needs to beat the living hell out of this guy, along with Tom Werner, Larry Lucchino, John Henry, Charles Steinberg and whoever else has the slightest bit of involvement with this clusterfuck. Honestly, death is too good for these people. They should be locked in a room with Angry Bill, Eddie Andelman and Suzyn Waldman and forced to watch this show on an endless loop for their rest of their lives.

The date ends and Douchey picks up the four beers on the table, along with the veggies and dip, and leaves the roof deck to a chorus of boos. He's lucky someone didn't do the world a favor by picking him up and throwing him off the roof.

The last guy is Tim Wilson, a 31 year old software developer from Bedford, NH. Tim would have to be a crack addict with Tourette's in order to screw this up. He presents her with a program that he had everyone around him sign and says it's like a yearbook for the evening. That's kind of cute. He's kind of cute. They talk about baseball, how they both love Chicago and raise their beers in a toast to the Windy City.



Don Orsillo just made fun of the gap between Tim's teeth. Do me a favor. Throw a Clemens jersey on Orsillo, throw him in the room with the rest of the mongrels and let him be Suzyn's personal Jack Rabbit.

They talk about their volunteer work (who knew?) and Laurie reveals that she spent two months in Bolivia, working at an orphanage for girls.

SHE WORKED AT AN ORPHANAGE AND YOU BASTARDS SET HER UP WITH MICAH??? HAVE YOU NO SOUL???

The sixth inning is over and Tim heads back to the bleachers, leaving Laurie to make her decision. I want it noted for the record that if she picks Micah, I'm taking a blowtorch to NESN studios.

She's sitting at the table....she's writing the name on the posterboard....she stands up...holds up the sign....and it's.....

...over! Thank you, Jesus. That was the longest half hour of my entire life.

Oh yeah, she picked Tim.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Why did my wife cross the road? To nag me. He's a comedian......

I actually thnk that it speaks well of the self esteem of Red Sox fans that they have to truck in dickheads from Chicago and upstate New York as contestants.

Lucchino's suite at the Stalin Hotel in Hell gets 5 degrees hotter with every episode of this show.

Fred West Lynn said...

I think they're missing the boat by including these cut-in commentarys by -- from all evidence -- idiot turds who (a) they don't identify and (b) I suspect we wouldn't know even if they did. Who are the couple with the bleached blonde gal and the scruffy bearded guy? They've been on every show -- why?

This was the dullest episode yet because the first two were such obvious non-candidates. In fact, none of the four people they showcaed appeared to have much dating potential at all - a quartet of no fun (or in Michah's case too much fun, and the wrong kind)

Anyway, the best part of this show is your commentary. But if I could ask a boon, I'd say: be more mean.

Funkhouser said...

Did I say that I wanted to see a chick with three guys? I take that back. That was awful.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with the others...the show sucks but your review is great! Seriously, I haven't heard or seen one positive thing said about this ridiculous show. Why doesn't NESN pull it, and put us all out of our misery?

John Foley said...

Not to mention the fact that "Micah Sherman" belongs on the Reggie Cleveland All-Stars.
This shows makes The 1/2 Hour News Hour look like the first three seasons of SNL.

Anonymous said...

This is a public service you're doing, spreading the word about how awful this show is. Your sacrifice is much appreciated

Bill said...

Couldn't they find someone with a real New England accent to narrate it? Now it's someone faking a Mass accent, and it just reminds viewers that NESN thinks if we're stupid enough to watch, we're stupid enough to not notice.

Anonymous said...

That Not Lenny Clarke voice sounds much like that of the very not-funny Jimmy Dunn.

The director, Gus Selmont, must have some fucking unbelievable pictures of some people in the NESN front office (and I don't mean of Hazel's implants). He's the same clown who bored us to tears with "Wait 'til This Year." It's rumored that his invitation to the Oscars for "Wait 'til..." was lost in the mail. Pink Hat, find a copy of that and give us your thoughts on that must-vomit masterpiece.

The folks at NESN still haven't realized the best thing they could is sit back, spin a Sox logo on the screen and watch people fall into a transe and fall asleep with their tv's on NESN overnight. They keep giving us a reason to change the channel.

CopyCatFIsh said...

Met a friend of Micah's the other night ... he's a comedian, got picked for the show, and purposely chose to act like a jackass for his date. He also has a steady girlfriend, though it was unknown if the NESN folks were aware of that fact before putting him on. That said, he is the person inside the sub for the Ortiz/D'Angelo commercials, so you never know ...

Can a show lose credibility if it never had any to begin with?

BSF34 said...

Nice job again on the recap. I think she looks more like Rebecca Lobo than Rachel Dratch though.

Flibbedy Jibbets said...

Micah Sherman's girlfriend brings us one step closer to an "arrest for violating restraining order / Crying Game moment. I can't wait.

Anonymous said...

For someone that hates this show so much you sure spend a hell of alot of time getting details right. Did you just buy a new TIVO?? I better not find out who you are, you'll be on the pink hat shit list. The pink hats exist deal with us. We're not going away soon and oh yeah, by the way...we're sitting in box seats

Tiki said...

Of course you're sitting in the box seats. Isn't that the going rate for a blow job behind the Cask 'n Flagon?

Anonymous said...

Anonymous cocksucker said: "The pink hats exist deal with us. "

Oh, I think Tiki has dealt with you.

flibbedy jibbets said...

"For someone that hates this show so much you sure spend a hell of alot of time getting details right."
******************************

"Getting the details right" about a subject the writer is writing about is a criticism? Is that how it works in the box seats?

For someone who plays baseball, you sure spend a hell of a lot of time practicing.

For someone writing about books, you sure spend a hell of a lot of time reading.

Dayumnn! said...

or

for someone swallowing manchowder for box seats you sure spend a lot of time with balls on your chin

Anonymous said...

Josh Cupp has an interesting profile on DontDateHimGirl.com - nice of NESN to vet their douchbags.

Anonymous said...

Josh Cupp has slept with more women than there are hybrid cars in SF. Biggest loser and really low self esteem the way he lies to women. You are right, he's boring. In and out of the bedroom. I am so glad he's not on the Left Coast anymore.

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious! I went on a few dates with Josh Cupp when he was the Head Golf Coach at University of San Francisco. He is like a walking comedy skit but he doesn't even know it b/c he's such a narcissist. One word: TOOL. Stay clear of this guy.

Anonymous said...

The fact that Josh Cupp calls himself a "serial monogamist" is pretty damn funny. That is the exact opposite of what he did while in SF. He dated 5 girls at once and like to play them all. Great job Josh!! He asked me to google his name before our first date and now if you Google "Josh Cupp" I hope he sees this and his profile on wwww.dontdatehimgirl.com . It all catches up to ya, Josh!