I don't know if we're going to get through this one, kids. It's the first celebrity edition of Sox Appeal and I use the term celebrity as loosely as Paris Hilton's garter belt.
Meet Robby Roadsteamer.
No, you read that right. Robby Roadsteamer.
Robby has a band. Roadsteamer. He's the lead singer. Here's the video for their hit "I Put a Baby In You".
Other hits include "Let Me Put the Tip In" and "I'm Sorry Your Cat Has Ass Cancer".
He's a North Shore native who has a tattoo of the Rt. 1 dinosaur on his arm. He's a DJ. He sells souvenirs at Fenway Park. He also has a show on YouTube. Here's episode one. It's definitely not safe for work.
The show hasn't even started yet and I feel like I should hate this guy...but I don't. There's something oddly endearing about him. I mean, he has the mini-golf dino on his arm. How can you not like that? Go look at his website and see if you feel the same. Whatever it is, I hope it passes otherwise this will be a very boring blog.
Let's get started.
Not Lenny Clarke, who gets more annoying with each passing week, takes us to Robby's house where he's hanging out with his bandmates. He sells hats during Sox games and says women spend twenty minutes trying to decide between a lime green hat and a pink hat because Fever Pitch made being a Red Sox fan cute. 30 seconds into the show and he's well on his way to becoming the official favorite Sox Appeal contestant of this blog.
And we have our first ick moment, not with Robby but with Alan Dershowitz, who describes meeting his much younger wife at a cheap motel in Newton. There's a visual I didn't need.
Robby brought a sidekick with him; the keyboard player for Roadsteamer, Nick Roadsteamer. Nick brought along his keytar. Robby sends Nick off to hide while he waits for his first date. Moments later, Peggy McClellan appears.
I know! I'm as surprised as you are to find out that she's not a mid-60's school committee member from Southie!
Peggy's looking for a dream chaser. If achieving a perfect score at Duck Hunt counts, she'll be all set.
And before she has a chance to sip her beer, Robby insults her by calling her a pink hat type. I get the feeling he might be right. He attempts a comeback by calling her "unicorn eyes".
Yeah, I don't know what the hell it means either.
And it just gets worse. He tries to get her to yell at the Blue Jays players. "You smell like cat food!!"
Then he tells her she reminded him of Herman Munster but in a good way, because they're both so tall.
The first inning is over and things really aren't going well. There's a little bit of Micah in Robby and I don't mean that in a good way.
But wait! There's hope. They have something in common.
That's right. They're big fans of the octagon. This delights Robby to no end.
"I like you, Unicorn Eyes. You're fiery!"
And just like that, the second inning is over and we find out that Peggy wasn't too fond of her pet name. Hey Peggy, it could have been much worse. He could have said you remind him of a tree. You know, because of that gigantic stick you have up your ass. Here's a clue: if you're going to be all picky and condescending about who you meet on a reality show, don't go a reality show. You just end up ruining the fun for the rest of us.
Our second date is Jennifer Cavallaro, a phys-ed teacher with a secret attraction to Gabe Kaplan.
She's looking for a guy who is serious about his body and staying in shape.
Have I mentioned that Robby's favorite food is Hot Pockets?
Hoping to change the subject from physical fitness, Robby asks her how much she loves the Sox. She tells him she's a huge, hardcore fan and he decides to quiz her on the retired numbers.
She doesn't have a clue.
How the hell can you call yourself a Red Sox fan and not know at least one of the retired numbers? How do you not know WHO TED WILLIAMS IS?!?!?!
Jennifer gives it a shot, throwing out the name of legendary Sox left-fielder Jerry Rice.
And this, my friends, is why Pink Hat Nation must be destroyed. Bombed back to the stone ages where people didn't have hats. Turned into a glass parking lot.
Robby handles it much better than I would and makes sure she doesn't feel embarrassed. You know, as quirky as this guy may be, he's decent. It's such a pleasant change from that walking bowl of dicks on last week's show.
The third inning ends and Robby invites Jennifer to have a hot dog eating contest with him. By the look on her face, you'd think he asked her to give Jerry Rice a blow job. And it doesn't get any better when she asks what his perfect date would be.
"Shaw's. Anything from the instant meal section. And then we rent The Neverending Story."
Manny flies out to end the fourth and Jennifer heads back to the bleachers, wanting nothing to do with Robby. "If I got picked, I don't know if I'd go back."
You know, it's bad enough NESN decided to do this show in the first place. Why can't they at least set these contestants up with people who have even a tiny bit of compatibility? It's obvious that Robby is a couple of Froot Loops short of a box so why set him up with these uptight little skanks? I hope it's not because they think it makes good television because it really, really, really doesn't.
Oh Christ. We just saw the preview for next week's episode and it's a 62 year old military veteran and cancer survivor. Thanks NESN. Why don't you have him rescue some kids from a burning building on his way to the game so that I can really have nothing to write about. Assholes.
The third and final date is Kristen Ferreira from Dighton, MA.
She likes coffee and dislikes people? I thought I was the only one!
Oh boy. I take back what I said about compatibility.
Kristen matches Robby quirk for quirk, outburst for outburst, and he's loving it. She calls herself a livewire. I swear, I feel like I've seen these two before.
Oh wait! I have!
In what will go down as one of the best moments in Sox Appeal history, Kristen gets up and sings to Robby, with his sidekick keeping tempo.
(To the tune of I've Got Rhythm)
Nice to meet you
My name's Kristen
I hope you're cool
And I hope we get along
I like the Red Sox
I like coffee
I like music
I hope I like you too
If you're an idiot
I'll ignore you
I'll just watch the
Red Sox game
Are you ready
For some fun now...
Not Lenny Clarke nailed it. It's like they were separated at birth.
He nicknames her Froggy. She loves it.
He asks her to have a hot dog eating contest. She accepts.
They're dunking their hot dogs in beer and downing them Joey Chestnut style.
She has a checklist of questions she asks her dates.
"Do you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah and Ramadan?"
"Do you hate cherries but love Cherry Poppins?"
"Do you recycle but only on Tuesdays?"
Robby's stomach hurts so he lies down on the floor as the questions continue.
"Are you a cowboy/underwater explorer/astronaut and put eagles back into the wild?"
"Are you a hovercraft captain?"
"Do you enjoy space and the final frontier?"
"Do you like Block Island, Bob Marley and Guns 'n Roses?"
Robby grabs her hand and says that if David Ortiz hits a double, she's the one.
And he does.
Are you kidding me?
You couldn't script this if you tried. And believe me, I'm sure NESN did.
We're done with the 6th and Kristen heads back to the bleachers to await Robby's decision.
If he doesn't pick her, there won't be a blog next week. I'm not kidding. They're absolutely perfect for each other.
He's got the poster board. He's writing a name.
And he picks.....
She's excited, he's excited and the other two snotty little bitches are relieved. Whatever. If you want to find a couple of guys with matching sticks up their asses, go volunteer for Mitt Romney's campaign and stay the hell out of Fenway.
Congratulations Robby and Kristen. You're the Official Favorite Sox Appeal Couple of Pink Hat Hell.
See you next week.
And if you can think of how to snark on a military vet/cancer survivor, please let me know.