Sox Appeal Episode 7: AARP Edition

We're at a serious disadvantage tonight, kids. Just in time for Rosh Hashanah, NESN has decided to atone for their sins by featuring a cancer surviving military vet who's just looking for love.

Meet Bob Stegmaier.



He's a 62 year old photographer from Chelmsford and is celebrating his ninth cancer-free year after receiving a bone marrow transplant for leukemia. Nothing snarky about that.

His first date is Jann Grutchfield, a 62 year old retired phys-ed teacher from Swansea.



Now, if Jann's last name sounds familiar, it should. One of the dates on the first episode was Hannah Grutchfield. I don't know for certain if the two are related but come on, what are the odds?

Jann thinks there's no possible way that this won't be fun, making it painfully obvious that she's never seen the show.

Bob and Jann exchange greetings and talk about the weather. You know, like people of a certain age are wont to do. Bob tells her how he hasn't been to Fenway in twenty or thirty years because he's a New Yorker (again with the outsourcing!) but he's a recovering Yankees fan that's slowly growing to love the Sox.

Oh, praise Jesus! Things just got a little weird. After Jann tells him that she's been divorced for twenty years, Bob says "In our teens and our twenties, the big question was what are we doing about birth control. Then in the thirties and forties, the big thing, unfortunately, was what about diseases. Now in the fifties and sixties, it's are you certified in CPR."

The good news is that she's certified. Whether she would actually perform it on Bob remains to be seen.

Jann is a "bikeist" who just returned from a bicycle trip through France.

"Do you have buns of steel with all that bicycle riding?"

I'd like to congratulate NESN for their casting of the only war veteran, cancer surviving, recovering Yankees fans dirty old bastard in New England. Well done!

And just as they start talking about bunions, Manny grounds to second to end the 1st.

The second inning starts and Bob and Jann are getting along well, sharing a lobster roll and making plans for a second date.

And then...

"If we happen to hit it off two or three months from now or something, are you still interested in intimacy?"

I....

...I mean...

OK, you know how people always say they just spit whatever they're drinking all over their monitor but they really didn't? I absolutely just did.

I have to give Bob credit, though. It's a much classier way of asking if she'll put out after the early bird special at Anthony's Pier 4.

Jann didn't answer but she doesn't seem bothered by the question either. In fact, as the second inning comes to a close, Jann seems kinda smitten with the dirty lech.

Our next date is 60yr old Jean Madden from Cheshire, CT.




She's a health care professional and also a member of MENSA, which makes you wonder who they're turning down these days.

Bob asks Jean about her life and takes notes on a little pad of paper. Are you getting the same mental image that I am? Bob, sitting in a dark room in his boxers, his face awash in the gray light from the computer monitor, entering his notes into a database. "Mary...65...widowed...likes dancing...hates classical music...won't go down unless you buy her dinner first..."

He's very methodical in his questioning and it feels more like a job interview than a date. Turns out they're both cancer survivors. I wonder if that warrants an asterisk in Bob's database.

Things get a little better in the 4th when Bob shows that there's a lot of old school charm underneath that pharmaceutically assisted erection.. He gives Jean his jacket when she says she's a bit cold and the two of them hold hands across the table. Bob was married once but only for three years. He was a Lt. Colonel in the Air Force and has a master's degree in Physics. Jean loves that kind of stuff so she's thrilled. They're really a cute couple.

Then...

"If, perchance, we date for two or three months, are you still interested in intimacy?"

And Jean can't answer "yes" fast enough as the fourth inning ends.

Dude.

Not Lenny Clarke brings up a good point, which makes that two weeks in a row. And let me just state for the record that I know the narrator is not actually Lenny Clarke. Lenny is off somewhere in Hollywood, filming his next canceled TV show. Anyway, NLC says that maybe after almost fifty years of dating, Bob knows something we don't. It's possible.

Bad news. The preview for next week's episode didn't involve the words "series finale".

Our last date is Barbara Cummings, a nurse from Lawrence, MA. Oh good! She'll be certified in CPR!

I'm going to resist the easy joke about the last name.




Barbara's a little minx. She sits down next to Bob and before he can get halfway through his list of questions, she has him up dancing. When they sit back down, they talk about their educations and when he mentions his physics degree, she asks him about the string theory.

"Oh, I love it! Pull my string, lady! Pull my string!"

I'm officially uncomfortable.

Barbara has a tiny little diamond stud in her nose.

"Where else do you have piercings?"

I'm officially nauseous.

"Would you like to do this again?"

Oh dear...here we go...

"I'm not pushing something on you. Just for fun's sake, if we do spend some time together, a month or two or three from now, are you still interested in intimacy?"

"Oh yes!!"

Mental.Image.Hell.

The 6th is over, Bob helps Barbara with her jacket, and as she's leaving, she tells the crew that she's thinks she'll be the one.


It's time for Bob to make his decision. Tell me the truth. Would you be at all surprised if he held up this poster?




He picks Barbara and she races back to the right field roof to pull Bob's string. Jann doesn't seem too disappointed and Jean gets over her heartache by sucking face with a guy in the bleachers.

I shit you not.


*****

Check back over the weekend for our analysis of the final ten Red Sox Nation presidential candidates.