Sox Appeal Episode 5: Me, Myself and I

So what do you think will happen first: J.D. Drew takes the bat off of his f'ing shoulder or Sox Appeal will win an Emmy? And when did Terry Francona morph into Grady Little? I'll hang up and listen.

Mike Miller from the Boston Phoenix made a great point about one of Sox Appeal's biggest flaws in today's edition. It's hard to give a shit about this show when it's on less than an hour after the Sox have coughed up a huge hairball. And let's be honest, it's hard to give a shit about this show on a good night. But after tonight's, where the 92 year old Ohio Con Man no-hits the Sox for most of the game, the last thing anyone cares about is seeing a bunch of assclowns trying to get laid.

Although to be fair, Mike Miller said it much more eloquently.

No sense in postponing the inevitable. Let's get this over with.

Tonight's lovesick sucker is 29 year old Kevin Whitten, a truck driver from Rehoboth, MA. He's on the rebound after his engagement to the love of his life went south. They had a dream house together and everything. I get the feeling Kevin isn't quite over the ex yet since he's looking through a photo album filled with their pictures. And really now, what better way to cure a broken heart than to go on a shitty reality dating show?



Kevin rides a motorcycle and drives a very big truck. Kevin is a very macho man and he'd be the first to tell you that.

Contestant number 1 is Jesse Harkness, a 25 year old Yale med student from Big Timber, Montana.



Please insert your own "Will Kevin get wood" joke here.

She's a pretty, blond, Yale med student and has to go on a shitty reality dating show to find someone? Are things that bad in New Haven?

Oh no, wait, it gets better. She graduated from Brown. She's double Ivy League and she's on Sox Appeal.

Kevin wastes no time with the flirting, telling her she has beautiful eyes. She starts telling him about school and he's paying absolutely no attention whatsoever. I'm sorry but it's not even six minutes into this show and Kevin is making a serious run to replace Micah as the biggest asshole on Sox Appeal. And he's a close talker to boot. He starts asking really stupid questions about her favorite things. She likes action movies but Kevin doesn't really care what she likes because the second she stops talking, he asks if she wants to know his favorite movie.

And what might that movie be?



Translation? Jesse has bigger balls than Kevin, although he would tell you they're the size of grapefruits.

Did he really just say what I think he just said?

Hang on a second.

Micah, you've officially been dethroned.

"You're obviously not picky with your clothes."

Followed by:

"So how's your sex life?"

I don't know if I can go on. I'm not kidding. I don't know if I can find the words to adequately describe what a complete dick this guy is. He's reached a level of asshat that I never knew existed.

Jesse looks horrified and disgusted. She stumbles around, trying to come up with a non-answer and Kevin leans back and stares at her chest.

I just...wow.

The first inning ends and Don and Remy chime in. Remy thinks Jesse wants nothing to do with Kevin, based on body language alone. If he only knew.

On to the second and Jesse busts out the line of year as they talk about what they're looking for in a relationship.

"I get along with people pretty easily. I can sit with the world's most annoying person for a couple of innings and still have a good time."

If I ever see Jesse during one of my non-existent trips to Yale, I'm buying her a beer. It was just that good.

And it went completely over the dickhead's..um...head.

She continues, saying that it's important to be able to talk to anyone, especially in the medical profession when you're dealing with your patients.

"Sorta like a lunchlady!"

Kill him. Kill him now. Jesse, I'm begging you. You have access to medical supplies. Jam a syringe in his jugular.

While Kevin babbles about how great his life is and he just wants someone to share in the greatness that is himself, the second inning comes to a close. Jesse moves in for a polite hug and Kevin pratically starts humping her leg. She leaves and he finishes her beer.

I hope she spit in it.

Hey, Gayle and Laura are back!

Next up is Traci Harris, 22, from Manchester, NH. She's looking for a guy that's confident but not cocky. She'd be better off hooking up with one of the homeless guys on the Common.



Oh hell no.

They already know each other from the casting call. She's had a crush on him ever since and even wrote a newspaper article about the experience. She refers to him as Number 91. Shortly before tonight's date, she was at a sub shop and the number on her receipt was 91. She took it as a sign and put it on her refrigerator.

Forget about killing him. Someone please come here and kill me instead. I don't want to live in a world where someone thinks this mouth breather is a catch.

Traci thought it would be cute if she brought him a Red Sox tattoo since she already has one and then they could match. Since this was something about him, Kevin is excited and gives her a kiss.

I just want to point out that the guys in the Crow and Servo seats are wearing a sombrero and a Quaker hat.

Kevin asks where Traci's tattoos are and she's more than willing to show him and 38,000 other people the Sox "B" on the side of her boob, the star just above her hoo-hah and the sunflower on her lower back.

There's just not enough alcohol.

Traci's doing most of the talking and I suspect that's because Kevin already knows he can get her in the back of his truck. What happens just after the start of the fourth inning confirms that. Traci asks the bartender for a napkin and a bottle of water so that she can put Kevin's tattoo on. He lifts up his shirt, she grabs hold of his nipple and smacks it on.

Upside down.

Am I being Punk'd?

Traci has met several current and former Sox players, including Kevin Millar. Not Kevin Millar says they have the same kind of motorcycle and Traci says she can totally she herself on the back of it, wearing a bikini top.

I've never been happier to see Mike Lowell ground out in my entire life.

After Traci leaves the roof seats, she tells the camera man that he was exactly what she hoped he would be. Thank God for Stedi-Cam.

The last date is 34 year old disc jockey Denise LaCarubba from Stoneham, MA. She's looking for a man that's a reflection of her. This should be good.



Denise is dressed like she just left the auditions to find the next Pussycat Doll at The Rack. The crowd approves, especially since her skirt comes up to her belt. She sits right next to Kevin instead of across from him, helps herself to his beer and asks him "So how do you make your money, honey?"

It's like he's looking in a mirror.

He asks her what's the craziest thing she's ever done at a ballgame. She whispers it to him. I feel spared, don't you?

Now she turns on her radio DJ voice, leans in close to him and breathlessly asks how his evening is going so far. Kevin gets completely flustered and starts stammering as she leans in even closer, like she's about to bite him.

The fifth inning is over! The fifth inning is over!!

Denise is still talking as the sixth begins. She says the following things, all while about two inches from his face:

"I would want to meet somebody and after I met them, I want to be left wanting more."

"I would much rather..I would stay here until they shut these lights out if it meant me satiating my curiosity to figure out what it is about you."

She proceeds to say something about taking him and breaking into a luxury box but I couldn't completely make out what she was saying over the sound of me trying to kill myself.

My life is spared when the sixth inning ends. Denise comes thisclose to wrapping her legs around him when they hug. These two cannot end up together. I'm completely serious about this. Forget about carbon credits. Al Gore would have to invent sleaze credits to counteract the damage they would inflict upon the planet.

It's decision time and Kevin takes out the jumbo marker and the poster board. It's all about the production values. He turns towards the bleachers and holds up the sign.

"Jesse"

Oh, you piece of...

We have pictures of Jesse's reaction and her walk back up to the Roof Deck.





Traci is devastated. The poor girl has no idea that she just dodged a bullet full of asshole pellets.

And Denise? It looks like she'll have to wait another day to be satiated by her reflection.

See you next week.

Sox Appeal Episode 4: The One Where Nothing Happens

Who knew that the Japanese meaning of the name Daisuke Matsuzaka was "he who gets no run support"?

It's week 4 and Sox Appeal is still on the air. I emailed NESN to ask if a second season was being considered but they must have thought I was from Scott's Shots and didn't respond.

This week we have Kim Boucher, a 42 year old stay at home mom whose husband cheated on her for five years and then left her with the three kids. Now that's not fair. How the hell am I supposed to snark on someone like her? Hopefully, her dates will suck.

Not Lenny Clarke gives us the rundown and says that each date could fly by "like Youkilis rounding the bases". I don't know if he was trying to be funny but the only person slower on the Sox than Youk is Johnny Pesky and even then it's a toss-up.

Kim explains that she was hesitant to bring her dates home to meet her kids until they asked her if she was gay. Huh?

She arrives at Fenway to see the Sox take on the Rockies and makes her way up to the Right Field Roof. I think she got there around noon for a night game because the place is absolutely empty. The first date is Michael Langlois, a 43 year old financial advisor from Pawtucket.



"I heard about the show and much like Kevin Costner, I said 'you know, there's something at Fenway Park that's gonna happen and I have to be there to experience it.'"

Oh Jesus.

By the way, Kim is very overdressed for a Sox game. She's wearing a nice light blue suit that's more appropriate for dinner at Abe & Louie's. It almost screams trying too hard. But the award for trying too hard is all Michael's.

He approaches the table, carrying what looks like a box of long stemmed roses but that would be too simple. Instead, he's brought Kim a dozen Red Sox: baseball cards of his favorite players, attached to stems, and in bouquet form. Oh man. That's pretty bad. I mean, it's sweet but kinda dorky. Kim seems to appreciate the effort, though, and that's really all that matters.

They talk about their careers, kids, likes, dislikes and honestly? There's not a whole lot to snark about. I was afraid this was going to happen. These are two nice people. Not a walking freak show like Micah from last week.

Speaking of which, in case you missed it, a commenter mentioned that Micah had a long term girlfriend when he went on the show. I don't know what's more disturbing: NESN resorting to stunt casting or someone willingly spending more than five minutes with that asshat.

The first inning is over and things are going well between Kim and Michael. It's his first date in twenty years so he's a little nervous but he's doing OK. Kim coaches her kids' baseball teams, which Michael thinks is very cool.

This is getting bad. There's nothing to make fun of. I mean, Michael calls J.D. Drew "J.D. Who". You have to respect that.

Dustin Pedroia strikes out to end the second and Michael says his goodbyes. I was hoping he'd trip up the stairs or something to make this interesting but no such luck.

Our next contestant is Pete Buckley, a 43 year old school administrator from Portland, Maine. He brings Kim a real rose, instead of a baseball card on a stick. They both played high school and college basketball, both love kids and FOR CHRIST'S SAKE COULD ONE OF THEM JUST SAY SOMETHING STUPID SO THAT I'D HAVE SOMETHING TO BLOG ABOUT?!?!?!?



Two quick innings and date number two is over. I just...I don't know. This is kind of soul crushing. But all is not lost. The preview for next week's episode is filled with potential, including a chick with a Sox tattoo on her boob. How do we know this? She flashed it.

Our last contestant is Steven Rogers, a 48 year old contractor and Reiki master from Fairhaven, MA. Now Steven scores some points from the get-go by bringing Kim a blanket. Even though this game was in June, everyone on the roof is freezing. The crowd gives Steve a nice round of applause as he puts the blanket around Kim's shoulders. Awwww.


Oh thank you Jesus!! Steven is wearing a ying/yang earring and Kim totally makes fun of it, asking him if it's a mid-life thing. Yeeeouch! And he orders wine and hot tea. She's been sitting up on the roof the entire game and orders beer while this guy orders tea and has a ying/yang earring? It's a damn good thing he brought that blanket.

Date number three is over and thankfully, soon this blog will be too. Kim is having a hard time deciding but finally, she takes the poster board and starts drawing. And she picks....

No one.

The poster board says "SORRY".

Are you kidding me?

Seriously?

Seriously. She didn't pick any of them. Instead, she decides to hang out with the guys in the Crow and Servo seats.

I hate this show.

Sox Appeal Episode 3: Just Shoot Me

What better way to follow a nutcrushing loss than with a nutcrushing dating show? And this time, the nutcrushing is for real as we have our first chick in the hot seat. Interesting that on the episode with our first chick, there's no Kathryn Tappen introduction. What, someone couldn't convince Tom Caron to put on a pair of hip huggers and walk down Landsdowne Street? This never would have happened if Sean McDonough was still alive.

Not Lenny Clarke introduces Laurie Snively, an "extreme commuter" and financial wholesaler who lives in Boston but works in New York. What the hell is a financial wholesaler? She's looking for someone who can make her laugh, whose family is important to them, is passionate about what they do and has a lot of friends.

Our first contestant is Josh Cupp, a 33 year old golf pro from Rome, NY. Rome, NY? What the hell? Why are we outsourcing the contestant pool? He describes himself as a "serial monogamist" but neglects to mention that he stole his hair style from Ed Grimely. Speaking of SNL, Laurie kind of looks like a taller Rachel Dratch.



Now Josh does something we haven't seen in our first two episodes. He sits down next to Laurie instead of sitting across from her. Interesting. Well, not really but you take what you can get with this show. He tells her how there's a big contingent of Red Sox fans in upstate New York and how at the golf course he runs with his brother, all the trash cans are marked "Yankees Hat Holders". Oh, my sides!



Laurie asks Josh to show her a good golf swing. As he tries to get his Tiger on, one of the folks in the Crow and Servo seats yells "hit it in the hole!" This is the most exciting moment of the show so far, as Laurie and Josh might be the two most boring people on the planet. I've watched test patterns that are more exciting than these two.

Josh is detailing his dating history and provides the ickiest moment of the series so far: he ranks a kiss in seventh grade as one of his top ten kisses ever. He's a serial monogamist and one of his top ten kisses came when he was 12. The kids at Jesus Camp have had more action than this guy.

Big Papi flies out to right to end the first inning. Don and Jerry comment on Josh's hair, saying it resembles a bird.

I can't believe how BORING these two are. We're obviously being punished for something. Did we not buy enough Red Sox Nation memberships? Is Remy not making enough off of paw print t-shirts to cover his weekly case of cigarettes? What the hell is going on here?

The second inning starts and Laurie asks John who his favorite Red Sox player is. "My favorite Red Sox player of all-time is Jim Rice. He was a left fielder, back in the day...from probably '74, maybe his rookie year to about 1990." I don't know about you but I'm sure glad Josh explained who Jim Rice is. I had never heard of him before. You have to give Josh a lot of credit for liking such an obscure player. Turns out Laurie is a Cubs fan, first and foremost, because she grew up in the Midwest. Again with the outsourcing!

Laurie reveals her job. She's the go-between person between a firm and their financial adviser. Well, that clears everything up. You know what? It actually does. That's the problem with this entire date. It's like a f'ing job interview. I keep waiting for Josh to say how he's looking to date outside the box or Laurie to say that that she's looking for someone with a ton of upside. They have absolutely no chemistry whatsoever, which becomes even more evident when Manny gets caught in a rundown to end the second and they SHAKE HANDS. How lame is that? Jesus, if you're going to have a dating show, at least make the people somewhat interesting. Hasn't Tom Werner ever seen Flavor of Love?

And speaking of Flavor of Love, if you haven't seen Comedy Central's roast of Flavor Flav yet, you must. Bill Simmons' friend Jimmy Kimmel is the host and he's decided that it's not too soon for Chris Benoit jokes. Trust me, it's worth it.

Unlike this show.

Josh thinks they have potential but isn't sure if her 9-5 world mixes well with his. I'm absolutely convinced that this guy hasn't touched a woman since that seventh grade kiss.

As if this first date wasn't bad enough, we're treated to more cute anecdotes from Red Sox Nation. Tony Massarotti is back and he's talking about alcohol again, which explains a lot of his columns.

Top of the third and in comes Micah Sherman, a 25 year old comedian. This has disaster written all over it for several reasons, the least of which is the fact that he's wearing a Tyson Meat Plant work shirt in an oh so ironic way. Upon seeing Laurie, Micah says "my, aren't you pretty" and gives her his half empty beer cup. Wow. But that's ok. When the roof deck waiter appears, he orders two more beers.

For himself.

We've gone from the world's dullest golfer to the world's biggest douchebag.



You know that a show completely sucks when they resort to using a kid or a puppy and this time, it's a kid. A completely random kid that sits down next to Laurie for no apparent reason. He has blonde, spikey hair and is wearing a David Eckstein Cardinals jersey, even though it's a Rangers vs Sox game.

Wait a second..

Nope, I'm wrong. Even though they're the same height, that's not actually David Eckstein.

Micah shoos the kid away. Seriously, what the hell was that about? Who just walks over to someone's table and sits down like that? And what idiot at NESN thought they should leave that part in the show? I know, probably the same idiot who thought this show would be a good idea. Said idiot should be brought up on charges of war crimes because this is just torture.

As Laurie is talking about her career, Micah tells her that what he lacks for in money, he makes up for in personality. And here I was, thinking that Tyson shirt was vintage. When Micah tells her he's a comedian, she asks for some material.

"Why did my wife cross the road?"
"To nag me!"

I think I'm going to become a Yankees fan. This shit is embarrassing.

Papi flies out to center and brings the third to a merciful conclusion. There isn't enough alcohol on this planet to make this show enjoyable.

Micah tells Laurie to wave her arms back and forth above her head. She asks why and he says it's to prevent NESN from inserting thought bubbles. He proceeds to scream and shout like a lunatic while waving his arms over his head. Laurie looks absolutely horrified and the crowd is booing him. Laurie begs him to say something to redeem himself.

"I don't think you're ugly."

Someone needs to beat the living hell out of this guy, along with Tom Werner, Larry Lucchino, John Henry, Charles Steinberg and whoever else has the slightest bit of involvement with this clusterfuck. Honestly, death is too good for these people. They should be locked in a room with Angry Bill, Eddie Andelman and Suzyn Waldman and forced to watch this show on an endless loop for their rest of their lives.

The date ends and Douchey picks up the four beers on the table, along with the veggies and dip, and leaves the roof deck to a chorus of boos. He's lucky someone didn't do the world a favor by picking him up and throwing him off the roof.

The last guy is Tim Wilson, a 31 year old software developer from Bedford, NH. Tim would have to be a crack addict with Tourette's in order to screw this up. He presents her with a program that he had everyone around him sign and says it's like a yearbook for the evening. That's kind of cute. He's kind of cute. They talk about baseball, how they both love Chicago and raise their beers in a toast to the Windy City.



Don Orsillo just made fun of the gap between Tim's teeth. Do me a favor. Throw a Clemens jersey on Orsillo, throw him in the room with the rest of the mongrels and let him be Suzyn's personal Jack Rabbit.

They talk about their volunteer work (who knew?) and Laurie reveals that she spent two months in Bolivia, working at an orphanage for girls.

SHE WORKED AT AN ORPHANAGE AND YOU BASTARDS SET HER UP WITH MICAH??? HAVE YOU NO SOUL???

The sixth inning is over and Tim heads back to the bleachers, leaving Laurie to make her decision. I want it noted for the record that if she picks Micah, I'm taking a blowtorch to NESN studios.

She's sitting at the table....she's writing the name on the posterboard....she stands up...holds up the sign....and it's.....

...over! Thank you, Jesus. That was the longest half hour of my entire life.

Oh yeah, she picked Tim.

Sox Appeal Episode 2: Bollywood at the Ballpark

Just a quick observation as Globe 10.0 wraps up: Charlie Pierce is a heck of a writer but if I saw him on the street with a Dunks cup in his hand, I'd put my spare change in it.

Despite the hopes and prayers of real Red Sox fans, Sox Appeal has returned for its second episode. The only consolation to be found is that because of the Sox playing in Anaheim against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Orange County of California of The United States of the Western Hemisphere, it's on before the game starts.

No sense in postponing the misery any longer. Time for the first pitch.

Kathryn Tappen gives a spiel about Sox fans believing in fate and destiny. I'm pretty sure Fate and Destiny dance with Mystique and Aura on Saturday nights.

The man of the hour is 24 year old Amar Parekh. He's a clinical research coordinator for oncology and a grad student. He's also Indian. This is important, Not Lenny Clarke explains, because Mama and Papa Parekh have given Amar until he's 30 to find a wife or they're arranging a marriage for him. You mean he only has SIX MORE YEARS to find a wife?? Let's put him on Sox Appeal!

Amar is a decent looking guy and as far as I can tell, he doesn't dye his hair, which puts him ahead of last week's Brian Boitano. He's very well built. Nice muscular arms....

I need a moment.

Wait, wait, put the hat back on, Amar.

Now I need a cigarette.

We're off to the ballpark, where Amar takes his seat on the Right Field Roof deck. He's barely in his seat when NLC drops a bombshell. Sitting in the Crow and Servo seats will be none other than...Amar's parents.

If Mama Parekh asks asks any of these dates if they know how to cook aloo gobi, I'm throwing the television out the window. I'm completely serious about this.

Julian Tavarez throws the first pitch and down comes our first contestant. She's Amanda Oleson, 24, from Auburn.

Occupation?

Cheerleading coach.

You couldn't make this shit up if you tried.



Amanda says that while she'd love to meet the man of her dreams, she's really "not that picky". Given that the bottom of her skirt meets the top of her tank top, I never would have guessed.

Amar and Amanda exchange greetings and sit down to get to know each other better. After hearing that she's a cheerleading coach and a dancer, he points to the open space behind them.

Oh, please don't.

They get up and start dancing. The look on Mama Parekh's face is priceless. How do you say "awww hell no" in Hindi?

Amar sits down and lets Amanda Bring It On.

"You say this show, I say sucks! THIS SHOW!"
"SUCKS!"
"THIS SHOW!"
"SUCKS!"

Security is called to keep prevent Mama Parekh from throwing herself off of the roof deck.

Amanda sits back down and starts going into detail about what a hardcore partier she is.

Long detail.

In-depth detail.

Never f'ing ending detail.

Like, she was the only person in her entire, like, high school class to get TWO superlatives: biggest partier and worst case of senioritis. Woooo!

Cue the cute anecdotes from Red Sox Nation.

"If she drank more than me, I'd be a little worried about it", says the Herald's Tony Massarotti. A hard drinking Boston sports reporter? You don't say! *cough*Lobel*cough*

J.D. Drew hits one right at the Rangers' pitcher to end the inning. Finally, something based in reality.

Don and Jerry offer their observations from the booth.

"Don, she really does like to dance, doesn't she? And she looks terrific. But you know what would make her look even more terrific? A Zaka San headband from TheRemyReport.com. And while she's there, she could pick up a autographed scorecard from this game or maybe an autographed, game used cigarette butt. Free shipping and phlegm included!"

The second inning starts and ends with Amanda talking about only one thing: alcohol. I'm not kidding. In this god-awful Paris Hilton cadence, she rattles off a list of her favorite beverages like she's doing inventory at Kappy's. I think the only thing she left off was rubbing alcohol. But she's not a shots kind of girl. The only shot she'll do is a Mind Eraser.

Oh honey, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Amar, who's wearing a conductor's hat for no apparent reason, looks horrified as she goes through the list. Amanda reminds me of someone but I can't quite put my finger on it. It'll come to me.

She tells him how she's been EVERYWHERE drinking. Like, Vegas, Florida for spring break, everywhere. Only "everywhere" doesn't include oversees and, as NLC points out, "47 of the 50 states."

Dustin Pedroia grounds out to first and the second inning comes to a close. Amanda makes sure to take her beer with her as she leaves.

I got it! I know who she reminds me of!!




Tavarez takes the mound for the third inning and in comes Juliana Schatz, 24, from Hartford, CT. Cue Brass Bonanza! Papa Parekh is really digging Juliana.



She just started working as a production assistant for an independent film company. Translation? Adjusting the webcam for YouTube videos. Amar started out as a film major and even made two small films, both of which Juliana finds completely uninteresting. While they talk about film for a bit, Mama and Papa Parekh appear a little bored. Mama looks at her phone, probably checking her text messages.
"OMG AYFKM? THSSUX. CML? KTHXBYE!"

Amar used to be a chubby guy, the kid that was always picked on in school, but he's lost a lot of weight and Juliana is impressed. I think she digs him. He's feelin' it too.

"I can't really concentrate on the game much. I keep getting lost in your eyes", he says.

Salvation seems miles away but thankfully Papi grounds out to first and inning number three is over. Don and Jerry make fun of Amar's hat. Jerry Remy is the last person who should be making fun of what someone wears on top of their head.

Inning number four and Amar and Juliana are talking about their mutual, die-hard love of the Sox, only to find out that this is the first game Juliana has ever been to. Some die-hard. Amar is so bothered by this that he quickly changes the subject, asking her if she plays any instruments. She doesn't but he does: accoustic guitar. He also claims to have been a singer in college but after hearing some of his Sweet Caroline, it becomes obvious that he graduated from Gallaudet University.

The Calcified Captain (©Ozzy) grounds out to the pitcher and the inning comes to a close. Juliana and Amar seem to have really hit it off. They're very playful with each other and we know Papa Parekh approves. Mama seems a little lukewarm but don't worry, Mrs. Parekh, they're about to bring in the ringer.



Jyoti is a 25 year old MIT grad, about to enter Harvard Business School. This girl's wicked smaaht. Mama and Papa are absolutely beaming. He graduated from UMASS-Amherst, pre-med, and is going for his doctorate in physical therapy. Mama and Papa continue beaming while the Roof Deck waitress brings them large iced coffees from Dunks. It's all about the product placement.

Speaking of iced coffee from Dunks, I highly recommend the Cup Coolers. They keep your beverage cold for hours and the condensation doesn't end up all over the place.

Besides having the collective IQ of a billion, Amar and Jyoti are also big karaoke fans. He loves Shout "by Otis Redding" (dumbass) and she's into Ace of Base. And speaking of bases, Manny grounds out to short and inning number five is over.

During the 6th, Amar finds out that this is Jyoti's seventh or eighth game of the season. Now THAT'S a die-hard. He starts teasing about being a smart Indian girl and you can tell she's a little put off, especially since he's no dummy, but all in all, she's a good sport about it.

While Mom and Pop are still beaming, Amar and Jyoti say their goodbyes. Now it's time for Amar to make his big decision. His parents join him at the table and can you believe it? They like Jyoti! But does Amar?

He turns towards the bleachers and holds up the sign revealing his choice. It's Juliana! I hope adjusting the webcams pays well because Amar just wrote himself out of the will. As she heads back to the Roof, Amanda says that she's a party girl and if people don't like it, it sucks to be them. I'm sure it does but at least their livers will still be functioning when they're 30.

Juliana meets Mama and Papa, the latter of whom is having a hard time keeping the smile off his face as he checks her out. The two of them leave Fenway and according to NCL, head to an Ingmar Bergman marathon. As they're walking to the theatre, Juliana spies Jyoti sitting in the window of a coffee shop with some friends from Harvard. Jyoti notices her coming over and motions to her friends to look as Juliana knocks on the window.

"Do you like apples?"
"Yeah", Jyoti replies.

Juliana takes out a piece of paper and slams it against the window.
"Well, I got his number. How do you like them apples?"

See you next week.

Oh My God, He Killed Coco!

The Premiere of Sox Appeal

I don't know who coined the term "Pink Hat Nation", although I'm sure Bill Simmons will take credit for it. You can spot members of PHN a mile away. They're the ones who believe that Red Sox history began in 2003. They think it's cute that the Sox named the foul pole after the old guy that used to sit in the dugout . "They call him pesky 'cause he's so little!" They go to Dirt Dogs for all of their Sox news. They wear things like this:



And of course, this:



PHN is a constant burden on the true Red Sox fans who have been following the team longer than the average celebutard prison stay. The front office, under the direction of the Evil Dentist, has created a circus-like atmosphere that almost makes the game on the field secondary, in order to keep PHN amused. The most egregious of these stunts made its debut after Wednesday night's game against the Orioles.

This was a come from behind victory. One of those games where you're really interested in what the players and manager have to say afterwards. But not tonight. Tonight, you'd just have to wait. After all, "there's more than one way to score at the ballpark".

Introducing...



It's a dating show.

From NESN:

Each episode a single fan (man or woman) is sent on three blind dates over the course of one Red Sox game. Everybody involved better bring their "A" game because each date only lasts two innings. During the seventh inning stretch, our single fan chooses the date he/she wants to continue dating. (And maybe, just MAYBE, they get to experience something at Fenway that most fans would kill for.)

Will our hero win and his choice join him for the rest of the game? Or will he suffer the agony of defeat. Alone. In his single seat.

Along the way, Red Sox Nation gets a chance to sound off. From the pros to the schmoes, we'll hear everything from intimate details of the frontline's of dating to an inside baseball look at dating strategy. Sox Appeal is the voice of the Nation.

Yeah.

I really don't know what we did to deserve this. Wasn't the Boston vs NY Poker Challenge enough? Not to pull a Shank here but look at the YES Network. They have Yankeeography, Yankees Classics and Tales of Triumph. We have The Remy's, RemDawg Unleashed and Inside Remy's Colon. Don't laugh, it could happen.

And now we have a freakin' dating show.

Well, you know what they say. "When in Fenway..."

Cue the TiVo.

Kathryn Tappen (insert reference to her "assets" here) is on Landsdowne St, explaining the Sox Appeal concept. Given that she makes no references to Guantanamo Bay, I think she's lying. It should come as absolutely no surprise that the SA narrator sounds like he just got off the night shift at a South Boston packie. What does surprise me is that apparently Lenny Clarke wasn't available.

The man of the hour is Garrett Lucash from Saugus. He's 28 and a professional figure skater. He looks like a cross between Danny Wood and Dave Burns from Real World: Seattle. We can only hope that one of the women is named Kyra.

Whoever had 13 seconds in the Figure Skaters Are Gay Reference Pool, please raise your hand.

Not Lenny Clark explains the basic rules: three women, two innings each and he'll pick the one he likes the most to come back for the ninth inning. The rejects will be sent "back to the bleachers", which is SA's version of "the tribe has spoken", "pack up your knives", etc.

I'll spare you the lyrics to the theme song. Using the theme from M*A*S*H would have the same effect.

The first victi...contestant is Hannah Grutchfield, a "fun loving actuary" from Fitchburg. You know how you can tell she loves fun? She's 29 and wearing pigtails. Wheeeee! There needs to be an age limit on things like this. Same with shirts that have words spelled out in Swarovski crystals. Just stop it already.

Hannah's idea of a perfect guy is one that's big enough to pick her up and swing her around. In other words, one of the Geico Cavemen.

Cute little anecdotes about dating from Sox players and fans are interspersed, including Curt and Shonda Schilling. I can't believe they got Curt to appear on camera! That's the get of the the year right there.

Hannah is about to meet Garrett for the first time at a lovely table for two in the Right Field Pavilion seats. My dad retired a couple of years ago from Shawmut Design and was on the crew that built that section at Fenway. It was the job that convinced him it was time to retire. I probably shouldn't tell him that the section he froze his ass off to build in the dead of winter is now being used as the set of a dating show.

Hannah and Garrett sit down and start talking about themselves. She makes little effort to squelch her double take when he drops the figure skating bomb but makes a nice recovery, asking how he got interested in skating. On the field, J.D. Drew just slid into second base. I thought this was supposed to be a reality show?

Garrett can sense that the figure skating has left Hannah a little squicky so he tells her that he was also a baseball player...in high school. Hey Garrett, I played basketball in grammar school. Should I start using that as a pickup line? The reason he chose figure skating over baseball? "Every guy gets to throw a ball around. I get to throw a girl around." It's so easy a caveman could do it.

Someone sends a beer down to the table for Garrett. Now this is obviously a setup and it's not the least bit subtle. Hannah already has a beer. Garrett's drinking water. You know where this is going, right?

"I just don't like beer."

Strike two.

She likes country music. He's a DJ so he likes...

Wait. He's a former baseball player, championship figure skater AND a DJ? This guy's resume must look like a Magic 8 Ball. Will he pick Hannah? *shakes* "Reply hazy, try again."

The first inning is over and Don and Jerry offer their observations from booth. The biggest surprise of the night could be that he did it without plugging The Remy Report.

There are three guys sitting at the table above Hannah and Garrett that serve as the Crow and Servo of the dates, only much less funny and interesting. That being said, I'm sure they'll have a show on NESN next spring.

Hannah asks Garrett if that's his natural hair color. It's not.

Strike three!

Mercifully, the second inning comes to a close on a Julio Lugo strikeout. Hannah leaves the pavilion seats and says that when she talked about a guy that could pick her up, she wasn't thinking about a figure skater and she can't believe he doesn't drink beer. That must be actuary speak for "I think he's a screaming queen."

Inning number three begins and in comes Jennifer Nania from Quincy. She looks like Elisabeth Hasselbeck, minus the Orange-Glo. She's a headhunter and is looking for someone with a great personality and very goal oriented. Uh oh. Jen has a beer in her hand already. This doesn't bode well. They shake hands and the first thing she asks is where's his beer? When he explains, she offers him a way out by asking if he's a vodka man. Garrett's face lights up in agreement. "I like my hard liquor." I'm impressed that Not Lenny Clarke didn't take advantage of that fast ball down the middle to make a joke about fruity drinks.

Garrett asks about her previous relationships and Jen seems a little evasive. When he presses the issue, she admits to not having had many long term relationships. He's the same way. It's hard to commit when you're always on the road. I guess lovin' a skating man ain't always what it's supposed to be. It's a quick inning, with Jacoby Ellsbury grounding out to second and things between Garrett and Jen seem a little, I don't know, moody.

We're back to the cute little anecdotes. Sweet Jesus, was that Gayle and Laura from the Inside Track?? Hang on...yes, it was. What's next? The Cheeto Twins?

It's the top of the 4th and our couple has switched to the lighter topics of fate, destiny and love at first sight. Man, these two are depressing. They're made for each other. While cheering for a foul ball caught by a fan (by the way, she claps like a seal), Garrett sneaks a look at her rack. Is it too late to become a Cubs fan?

Jen tells Garrett that while she wears the pants in her relationships, she does make sure that her man is taken care of. During this conversation, a fan comes up behind them and takes a picture. Why???

Jen seems more interested in talking to the guys in the table above them and Garrett's looking a little sad but things rebound when Jen starts telling him how she knows exactly what she wants in life and is very sure of herself. He seems to like that. Perhaps all those years of throwing women around has left him wanting to be dominated. I'm just saying.

Youk grounds out to third and our second date is over. This one went much better than the first and Jen seems to have some interest in Garrett. The fans that are judging the date seem to agree.

There's no way this show is only a half hour long. I feel like days have gone by. Weeks, even.

Our last contestant is Tabitha Jones, a behavioral therapist from Warwick, RI. If I'm Garrett, I would run like hell towards the exits. Can you imagine dating a behavioral therapist? You must feel like you're a dog at obedience school. She's a little different, though. Bigger hair, big earrings. Given that he's from Saugus, I'm sure he'll feel right at home. She's looking for a guy with a nice personality, nice teeth and a sense of direction. Boy, that's a refreshing change from most women who are typically looking for an asshole with missing teeth and a futon in Mom's cellar.

Tabitha compliments Garrett on his eyes and he seems genuinely flattered. It's almost cute. Emphasis on almost. When she responds to the figure skater announcement with "no suh!", a Sox Appeal Glossary pops up on the screen.

"No Sir pron. (no.sah)
Origin - New England Vernacular
1. A declarative form of "No Way." Sometimes expressed as Wicked, No Freakin' Way, or Pissaah."

Sigh.

Surprisingly, she thinks it's great that he's a figure skater and gives him a bit of gentle ribbing about it but nothing like the outright hostility we saw from Hannah. She's very affectionate, reaching across the table to touch his hand. I like her and I think Garrett does too. The fifth inning comes to a close and there are smiles all around.

Top of the 6th and Barry Bonds hits a home run just over the fence into the bullpen. The crowd is booing but Tabitha seems a little disinterested. Garrett asks if she knows who Barry Bonds is and she admits to knowing the name but she's "not a diehard". My grandmother knows why Barry is being booed and she died six years ago. Garrett is a little rattled by this and asks if she's a big Red Sox fan. She shakes her head. What the hell?

"I am a fan of another team."
"Who?"
"The Yankees."

Oh no she didn't.

She's a Yankees fan. How did she end up on a Red Sox dating show? Simple. It's the oldest trick in the reality show book. The "shocking twist". It's like bringing back the person who was voted off the island weeks ago to decide who goes home this week and then takes that person's place.

Garrett's face drops and he yells up to the crowd that she's a Yankees fan. They immediately start to boo and throw things at her. She smirks and says she's very proud of it. Whatever. You can tell Garrett just wants the inning to end but there's only two outs so he asks her what she considers to be the dealbreaker in a relationship. Her response?

"Bad sex."

Clunk.

The inning is over and Garrett triple salchows out of his chair to kick her ass back to the bleachers. The crowd boos mercilessly, as they should.

Not Lenny Clark recaps the three contestants and it's decision time for Garrett. The women are sitting in the bleachers, waiting to find out who will be the chosen one. After much deliberation and in the MOST DRAMATIC JUMBOTRON CEREMONY EVER, Garrett picks Jen, the headhunter. She sees her name on the Jumbotron and starts running back to the pavilion, high fiving everyone along the way. Meanwhile, Hannah says that she knows her special someone is still out there and and Tabitha, well, no one really cares about Tabitha. Jen runs down the pavilion stairs and jumps into Garrett's arms. The crowd cheers and throws flowers as them. I wish I was making that up.

As Garrett and Jen make their way out of the park, we're told that they spent the rest of the day hitting the bars on Landsdowne Street and were last seen boarding a Fung Wah bus that was heading south.

Sometimes the ending just writes itself.