Tonight's Sox Appeal is a recrap of the mercifully concluded season. There's no word yet as to whether NESN will bring it back for a second season but given what an awful show it was, it's a virtual guarantee.
Wednesday night, NBC's Tim Russert, host of Meet the Press, will moderate a Democratic presidential debate at Dartmouth College in New Hampshire. He'll ask senators, congressmen and governors their thoughts on war, poverty, health care and terrorism. One of those people may (will) become the leader of the free world next year.
On Thurday, Tim will travel to Boston University to moderate the Red Sox Nation presidential debate. He'll ask two plagiarists, a 300 pound relief pitcher, a Hall of Fame baseball writer who completely missed the whole steroid thing, and a dog, among others, their thoughts on ticket prices, seat width and Wally.
The "debate" will air on NESN after Friday night's game. And you can bet your ass we'll be here.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Sox Appeal Episode 8: The One That Might Be the Last
I don't want to get your hopes up but it looks like this experiment in terror is coming to an end. And no, I don't mean this blog. Next week's episode of Sox Appeal is a recap episode. And it's no coincidence that the season ends next week.
Tonight's episode was a little different. One woman, six men and no, Courtney Love wasn't involved. Instead of the usual two innings, each date was only an inning long so first impressions would be really important. And that means we're in for a whole lot of fail.
Before we get started, does that Chicken McNuggets commercial make anyone else feel stabby? And speaking of stabby, I found myself humming the Sox Appeal theme song a couple of days ago. I may need O.J. to put me out of my misery.
This is Kendra Curtis.
She's the 32yr old flight attendant for the Boston Bruins and still lives at home with her parents because she "enjoys being with family". It's ok, Kendra. I tell myself the same thing every day. And as long as you're not living in the basement, it's all good. She seems like a cool broad. Down to earth, isn't in a big rush to find a husband. I hope NESN is paying her well to deal with the parade of (mostly) losers she's about to meet.
Loser #1 is Ritchie Gotell, a 30yr old pipefitter from Weymouth.
Did you see his worst date? Dude, unless you meant a JEFF Beck concert, you deserved to be punched.
Ritchie looks like he just rolled out of sewer. His clothes are dirty and his Sox hat could be declared a Superfund site. Kendra asks him about it and he says "this has been around since the Sox won it all."
Three years ago. It's not exactly vintage. I have empty Dunks cups in the backseat of my car that are older than that hat.
Ritchie ends up being a big oaf who spends most of the date heckling the eight year old sitting in the Crow and Servo seats. Hey! Something else that's older than that hat!
It was a mercifully quick inning and Ritchie heads up to the roof bar and meets up with the other five dates. All I'm saying is poor Kendra.
Next up is Allan Rafael. He's 29, Brazilian, and works in the "film industry".
OK, whoever just said "fluffer" should be ashamed of themselves.
Their date is pretty dull. They talk about traveling and that's about it.
You know what's strange about these dates? They're only an inning but the show feels twice as long.
Jason Chin is our next date. A thirty year old optometrist from Boston.
Want to know how boring the date with Jason was?
They fast forwarded through it. NESN, you heartless bitch! That's just mean.
Number four is Mike DeMello. And Mike is one seriously jacked cement finisher from Westport.
Mike, if you happen to be reading this, I notice that you're secretly attracted to dark haired, thick hipped women.
My email address is on the left.
Kendra's caught a little off guard because she thought she was only meeting three guys but recovers when she finds out they have something in common.
They've both been sprayed with Mace.
Who says romance is dead?
And just like that, Colossus is heading back to the bleachers.
In the five hole is Andy Connors, a teacher from Easton.
I already like Andy because he reminds me of my friend Tracy's husband, Mike. Mike thinks I don't give the Not Lenny Clarke announcer guy enough shit but I'm afraid to mention him because as you may have noticed by the comments, someone takes their Lenny Clarke a little too seriously.
Poor Andy has been sweating up a storm and NESN decides to focus on his underarms. You know what NESN is?
Kendra and Andy have something in common that's even better than being Maced. They both still live at home with their parents!
I think we might have a match!!
The last date is Mark Zimmerman, a musician from Attleboro.
Yeah, I can just see Kendra bringing him back to Mom & Dad's.
Zimmah's just on there to promote his band and his smoking is a deal-breaker so thankfully it's a fast inning.
It's time for Kendra to make her decision. And it's Andy! And anti-climactic!
I've emailed NESN to find out if this is indeed the last episode of the season or series so please come back on Sunday to read our analysis of the Red Sox Nation election and, hopefully, our goodbye to Sox Appeal.
Tonight's episode was a little different. One woman, six men and no, Courtney Love wasn't involved. Instead of the usual two innings, each date was only an inning long so first impressions would be really important. And that means we're in for a whole lot of fail.
Before we get started, does that Chicken McNuggets commercial make anyone else feel stabby? And speaking of stabby, I found myself humming the Sox Appeal theme song a couple of days ago. I may need O.J. to put me out of my misery.
This is Kendra Curtis.
She's the 32yr old flight attendant for the Boston Bruins and still lives at home with her parents because she "enjoys being with family". It's ok, Kendra. I tell myself the same thing every day. And as long as you're not living in the basement, it's all good. She seems like a cool broad. Down to earth, isn't in a big rush to find a husband. I hope NESN is paying her well to deal with the parade of (mostly) losers she's about to meet.
Loser #1 is Ritchie Gotell, a 30yr old pipefitter from Weymouth.
Did you see his worst date? Dude, unless you meant a JEFF Beck concert, you deserved to be punched.
Ritchie looks like he just rolled out of sewer. His clothes are dirty and his Sox hat could be declared a Superfund site. Kendra asks him about it and he says "this has been around since the Sox won it all."
Three years ago. It's not exactly vintage. I have empty Dunks cups in the backseat of my car that are older than that hat.
Ritchie ends up being a big oaf who spends most of the date heckling the eight year old sitting in the Crow and Servo seats. Hey! Something else that's older than that hat!
It was a mercifully quick inning and Ritchie heads up to the roof bar and meets up with the other five dates. All I'm saying is poor Kendra.
Next up is Allan Rafael. He's 29, Brazilian, and works in the "film industry".
OK, whoever just said "fluffer" should be ashamed of themselves.
Their date is pretty dull. They talk about traveling and that's about it.
You know what's strange about these dates? They're only an inning but the show feels twice as long.
Jason Chin is our next date. A thirty year old optometrist from Boston.
Want to know how boring the date with Jason was?
They fast forwarded through it. NESN, you heartless bitch! That's just mean.
Number four is Mike DeMello. And Mike is one seriously jacked cement finisher from Westport.
Mike, if you happen to be reading this, I notice that you're secretly attracted to dark haired, thick hipped women.
My email address is on the left.
Kendra's caught a little off guard because she thought she was only meeting three guys but recovers when she finds out they have something in common.
They've both been sprayed with Mace.
Who says romance is dead?
And just like that, Colossus is heading back to the bleachers.
In the five hole is Andy Connors, a teacher from Easton.
I already like Andy because he reminds me of my friend Tracy's husband, Mike. Mike thinks I don't give the Not Lenny Clarke announcer guy enough shit but I'm afraid to mention him because as you may have noticed by the comments, someone takes their Lenny Clarke a little too seriously.
Poor Andy has been sweating up a storm and NESN decides to focus on his underarms. You know what NESN is?
Kendra and Andy have something in common that's even better than being Maced. They both still live at home with their parents!
I think we might have a match!!
The last date is Mark Zimmerman, a musician from Attleboro.
Yeah, I can just see Kendra bringing him back to Mom & Dad's.
Zimmah's just on there to promote his band and his smoking is a deal-breaker so thankfully it's a fast inning.
It's time for Kendra to make her decision. And it's Andy! And anti-climactic!
I've emailed NESN to find out if this is indeed the last episode of the season or series so please come back on Sunday to read our analysis of the Red Sox Nation election and, hopefully, our goodbye to Sox Appeal.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Sox Appeal Episode 7: AARP Edition
We're at a serious disadvantage tonight, kids. Just in time for Rosh Hashanah, NESN has decided to atone for their sins by featuring a cancer surviving military vet who's just looking for love.
Meet Bob Stegmaier.
He's a 62 year old photographer from Chelmsford and is celebrating his ninth cancer-free year after receiving a bone marrow transplant for leukemia. Nothing snarky about that.
His first date is Jann Grutchfield, a 62 year old retired phys-ed teacher from Swansea.
Now, if Jann's last name sounds familiar, it should. One of the dates on the first episode was Hannah Grutchfield. I don't know for certain if the two are related but come on, what are the odds?
Jann thinks there's no possible way that this won't be fun, making it painfully obvious that she's never seen the show.
Bob and Jann exchange greetings and talk about the weather. You know, like people of a certain age are wont to do. Bob tells her how he hasn't been to Fenway in twenty or thirty years because he's a New Yorker (again with the outsourcing!) but he's a recovering Yankees fan that's slowly growing to love the Sox.
Oh, praise Jesus! Things just got a little weird. After Jann tells him that she's been divorced for twenty years, Bob says "In our teens and our twenties, the big question was what are we doing about birth control. Then in the thirties and forties, the big thing, unfortunately, was what about diseases. Now in the fifties and sixties, it's are you certified in CPR."
The good news is that she's certified. Whether she would actually perform it on Bob remains to be seen.
Jann is a "bikeist" who just returned from a bicycle trip through France.
"Do you have buns of steel with all that bicycle riding?"
I'd like to congratulate NESN for their casting of the only war veteran, cancer surviving, recovering Yankees fans dirty old bastard in New England. Well done!
And just as they start talking about bunions, Manny grounds to second to end the 1st.
The second inning starts and Bob and Jann are getting along well, sharing a lobster roll and making plans for a second date.
And then...
"If we happen to hit it off two or three months from now or something, are you still interested in intimacy?"
I....
...I mean...
OK, you know how people always say they just spit whatever they're drinking all over their monitor but they really didn't? I absolutely just did.
I have to give Bob credit, though. It's a much classier way of asking if she'll put out after the early bird special at Anthony's Pier 4.
Jann didn't answer but she doesn't seem bothered by the question either. In fact, as the second inning comes to a close, Jann seems kinda smitten with the dirty lech.
Our next date is 60yr old Jean Madden from Cheshire, CT.
She's a health care professional and also a member of MENSA, which makes you wonder who they're turning down these days.
Bob asks Jean about her life and takes notes on a little pad of paper. Are you getting the same mental image that I am? Bob, sitting in a dark room in his boxers, his face awash in the gray light from the computer monitor, entering his notes into a database. "Mary...65...widowed...likes dancing...hates classical music...won't go down unless you buy her dinner first..."
He's very methodical in his questioning and it feels more like a job interview than a date. Turns out they're both cancer survivors. I wonder if that warrants an asterisk in Bob's database.
Things get a little better in the 4th when Bob shows that there's a lot of old school charm underneath that pharmaceutically assisted erection.. He gives Jean his jacket when she says she's a bit cold and the two of them hold hands across the table. Bob was married once but only for three years. He was a Lt. Colonel in the Air Force and has a master's degree in Physics. Jean loves that kind of stuff so she's thrilled. They're really a cute couple.
Then...
"If, perchance, we date for two or three months, are you still interested in intimacy?"
And Jean can't answer "yes" fast enough as the fourth inning ends.
Dude.
Not Lenny Clarke brings up a good point, which makes that two weeks in a row. And let me just state for the record that I know the narrator is not actually Lenny Clarke. Lenny is off somewhere in Hollywood, filming his next canceled TV show. Anyway, NLC says that maybe after almost fifty years of dating, Bob knows something we don't. It's possible.
Bad news. The preview for next week's episode didn't involve the words "series finale".
Our last date is Barbara Cummings, a nurse from Lawrence, MA. Oh good! She'll be certified in CPR!
I'm going to resist the easy joke about the last name.
Barbara's a little minx. She sits down next to Bob and before he can get halfway through his list of questions, she has him up dancing. When they sit back down, they talk about their educations and when he mentions his physics degree, she asks him about the string theory.
"Oh, I love it! Pull my string, lady! Pull my string!"
I'm officially uncomfortable.
Barbara has a tiny little diamond stud in her nose.
"Where else do you have piercings?"
I'm officially nauseous.
"Would you like to do this again?"
Oh dear...here we go...
"I'm not pushing something on you. Just for fun's sake, if we do spend some time together, a month or two or three from now, are you still interested in intimacy?"
"Oh yes!!"
Mental.Image.Hell.
The 6th is over, Bob helps Barbara with her jacket, and as she's leaving, she tells the crew that she's thinks she'll be the one.
It's time for Bob to make his decision. Tell me the truth. Would you be at all surprised if he held up this poster?
He picks Barbara and she races back to the right field roof to pull Bob's string. Jann doesn't seem too disappointed and Jean gets over her heartache by sucking face with a guy in the bleachers.
I shit you not.
*****
Check back over the weekend for our analysis of the final ten Red Sox Nation presidential candidates.
Meet Bob Stegmaier.
He's a 62 year old photographer from Chelmsford and is celebrating his ninth cancer-free year after receiving a bone marrow transplant for leukemia. Nothing snarky about that.
His first date is Jann Grutchfield, a 62 year old retired phys-ed teacher from Swansea.
Now, if Jann's last name sounds familiar, it should. One of the dates on the first episode was Hannah Grutchfield. I don't know for certain if the two are related but come on, what are the odds?
Jann thinks there's no possible way that this won't be fun, making it painfully obvious that she's never seen the show.
Bob and Jann exchange greetings and talk about the weather. You know, like people of a certain age are wont to do. Bob tells her how he hasn't been to Fenway in twenty or thirty years because he's a New Yorker (again with the outsourcing!) but he's a recovering Yankees fan that's slowly growing to love the Sox.
Oh, praise Jesus! Things just got a little weird. After Jann tells him that she's been divorced for twenty years, Bob says "In our teens and our twenties, the big question was what are we doing about birth control. Then in the thirties and forties, the big thing, unfortunately, was what about diseases. Now in the fifties and sixties, it's are you certified in CPR."
The good news is that she's certified. Whether she would actually perform it on Bob remains to be seen.
Jann is a "bikeist" who just returned from a bicycle trip through France.
"Do you have buns of steel with all that bicycle riding?"
I'd like to congratulate NESN for their casting of the only war veteran, cancer surviving, recovering Yankees fans dirty old bastard in New England. Well done!
And just as they start talking about bunions, Manny grounds to second to end the 1st.
The second inning starts and Bob and Jann are getting along well, sharing a lobster roll and making plans for a second date.
And then...
"If we happen to hit it off two or three months from now or something, are you still interested in intimacy?"
I....
...I mean...
OK, you know how people always say they just spit whatever they're drinking all over their monitor but they really didn't? I absolutely just did.
I have to give Bob credit, though. It's a much classier way of asking if she'll put out after the early bird special at Anthony's Pier 4.
Jann didn't answer but she doesn't seem bothered by the question either. In fact, as the second inning comes to a close, Jann seems kinda smitten with the dirty lech.
Our next date is 60yr old Jean Madden from Cheshire, CT.
She's a health care professional and also a member of MENSA, which makes you wonder who they're turning down these days.
Bob asks Jean about her life and takes notes on a little pad of paper. Are you getting the same mental image that I am? Bob, sitting in a dark room in his boxers, his face awash in the gray light from the computer monitor, entering his notes into a database. "Mary...65...widowed...likes dancing...hates classical music...won't go down unless you buy her dinner first..."
He's very methodical in his questioning and it feels more like a job interview than a date. Turns out they're both cancer survivors. I wonder if that warrants an asterisk in Bob's database.
Things get a little better in the 4th when Bob shows that there's a lot of old school charm underneath that pharmaceutically assisted erection.. He gives Jean his jacket when she says she's a bit cold and the two of them hold hands across the table. Bob was married once but only for three years. He was a Lt. Colonel in the Air Force and has a master's degree in Physics. Jean loves that kind of stuff so she's thrilled. They're really a cute couple.
Then...
"If, perchance, we date for two or three months, are you still interested in intimacy?"
And Jean can't answer "yes" fast enough as the fourth inning ends.
Dude.
Not Lenny Clarke brings up a good point, which makes that two weeks in a row. And let me just state for the record that I know the narrator is not actually Lenny Clarke. Lenny is off somewhere in Hollywood, filming his next canceled TV show. Anyway, NLC says that maybe after almost fifty years of dating, Bob knows something we don't. It's possible.
Bad news. The preview for next week's episode didn't involve the words "series finale".
Our last date is Barbara Cummings, a nurse from Lawrence, MA. Oh good! She'll be certified in CPR!
I'm going to resist the easy joke about the last name.
Barbara's a little minx. She sits down next to Bob and before he can get halfway through his list of questions, she has him up dancing. When they sit back down, they talk about their educations and when he mentions his physics degree, she asks him about the string theory.
"Oh, I love it! Pull my string, lady! Pull my string!"
I'm officially uncomfortable.
Barbara has a tiny little diamond stud in her nose.
"Where else do you have piercings?"
I'm officially nauseous.
"Would you like to do this again?"
Oh dear...here we go...
"I'm not pushing something on you. Just for fun's sake, if we do spend some time together, a month or two or three from now, are you still interested in intimacy?"
"Oh yes!!"
Mental.Image.Hell.
The 6th is over, Bob helps Barbara with her jacket, and as she's leaving, she tells the crew that she's thinks she'll be the one.
It's time for Bob to make his decision. Tell me the truth. Would you be at all surprised if he held up this poster?
He picks Barbara and she races back to the right field roof to pull Bob's string. Jann doesn't seem too disappointed and Jean gets over her heartache by sucking face with a guy in the bleachers.
I shit you not.
*****
Check back over the weekend for our analysis of the final ten Red Sox Nation presidential candidates.
Meeting Robby Roadsteamer
I think you'll agree that anyone who can make the toxic waste dump that is Sox Appeal tolerable is worth getting to know. Last week's episode was the first one where I didn't feel the need to take a Silkwood style shower afterwards so that's why I tracked down Robby Roadsteamer to see if he was up for a little chat. I was ready to play my North Shore Lifer card if he said no but lucky for me, and you, Robby was willing to play along.
How did you get involved with Sox Appeal? Did you audition?
I was working at the Red Sox Team store where NESN decided to have auditions on a lovely Saturday afternoon. Although I wasn't working one of my co-workers called me up and told me to come down and try out... It was either that or play Kid Iracus on the Nintendo... You know the rest of the story.
What made you decide to go on the show?
Well it wasn't to find true love that's for sure. I could tell that's what made me different from every other dude I saw trying out. I saw shitty fake-tan dudes with khaki shorts/loafers with no socks trying way toooooo hard. Go to EHARMONY.... I just wanted to make my friends laugh. I like doing that... And it's a lot easier to make them all laugh at once if your on TV.
Were you surprised with the first two women they set you up with? They seemed really, really uptight and I was wondering if they did that on purpose so that it was an even bigger surprise when Kristen showed up.
I wasn't surprised at all. They knew it would be comedy gold to have a couple of girls that represented the opposite of what I was looking for... I ignored them and was hell-bent on making the cameramen laugh... Everytime I did that I knew I was doing a good job... I swear to god I'm not that crazy in real life... But there was no way in hell I was going to sit with those ladies and talk Nintendo when they were giving me that "I WANTED A GUY IN A UNTUCKED DRESS SHIRT" look.
Kristen seemed really, really cool and the two of you were easily the most authentic people on the show. Did you guys hit it off after the show and have you seen her since?
The best part of Kristen was the fact she was doing it for the same reason I was. When we got out of Fenway I told her I was only being crazy for the camera... And she was too! So we really didn't' need to have a stupid ass follow-up date that neither of us wanted to be on... We keep in touch online. She's actually moving to NY in October to get her big break.... Why do we always lose so many talented people to NY!!! Whether it's baseball, comedy, music.... I think there's no difference.... I want to win my championship here... Even if I end up like Ted Williams or Yaz... That should of been the plot of Fever Pitch... Not Jimmy fucking Fallon... Which was New York's revenge on us.
The description of the women taking twenty minutes to pick out what color hat they should buy fucking killed me because it's so damn true. Do you think that Sox ownership is catering more towards the Pink Hatters at the expense of their loyal fan base, i.e. people who know who Jim Rice is? Between Sox Appeal, Remy's constant pimping of Rem Dawg merchandise in between cigarette breaks and this ridiculous election for a president of Red Sox Nation, it's starting to feel like the play on the field is becoming secondary.
I could write a whole book about my experience at the Red Sox Team store.... I've been working there for three years and have witnessed some of the most pathetic displays of soccer mommies and tourist picking out clothing just for the sake of being fashionable... I store it deep inside and hope one day to release it... "Do you have the lime-green Red Sox hat with the shamrock on the back... no wait, do you have one with the Sox? You hate me don't you? Who's that Chinese guy they signed in the off-season? Do you have Wally in the chair with the drink-holder for the chair?" The questions go on and on. But you gotta understand we're competing against the Yankees in terms of payroll with a much small stadium and baseball must be shopped to the upper-crust in this town.... It's the sad truth of it all.
More annoying: Pink Hatters or Yankees fans?
Yankees fans... I get the feeling if I locked pink-hatters in a room and preached the evils of they're ways I could convert most of them in an hour. Fashion sucks. It's a baseball cap not a dress.
How many times have you wanted to strangle JD Drew?
Not just him.... Someone signed him you know! The whole winter every newspaper, and fat-dude on WEEI begged the Red Sox not to sign him... We knew. He has the same eyes as that fat kid on the Cosby show who made grape juice with Rudy and ran out like a little bitch when the juicer went crazy and squirted juice everywhere... He might be that same kid... Maybe you can check this out?? Just wait till Manny comes back.... This is where managers become managers... I know Terry has a weak-spot for veterans... But the fans know better... Ellsbury has a hit in every game he's played and I saw him giving mouth to mouth to a man he hit with a foul ball during a game last weekend... THE KID DOES IT ALL!
Why do you love the North Shore so much? I understand it because I'm a lifer, but explain it to other people.
Because it's peacefully cheesy... Sorta like NH without the fireworks, and the bad Taz tattoos. I live in Allston and the city is soooo intense... Always a dick-measuring contest... Route 1. has a Vegas feel.... If Vegas was all mini-golf and Panera Breads! I love cruising the strip... The Northshore is where your gonna soar!
Prediction for the post-season?
YES!!! An all-star episode of Sox Appeal where I get two innings with Hazel Mae, Kelly Barons, and Kathryn Tappen!!! Yay ratings!!!
What's next for Roadsteamer?
Hahahaha.... Just trying to stay happy. For most people in Boston I'm just some time-bomb that appeared on a semi-reality dating show... For me I still have 20 or 30 years left to try and add another paragraph or two to my Wikipedia bio.
*****
Robby and the rest of Roadsteamer will be performing at The Freedom Rally on Boston Common this Saturday, Sept. 15th and at Great Scotts in Allston on Sept. 17th. For more info on Robby and his band check out their website Roadsteamer.com and their You Tube channel. The Tecmo Bowl video alone is worth the trip.
How did you get involved with Sox Appeal? Did you audition?
I was working at the Red Sox Team store where NESN decided to have auditions on a lovely Saturday afternoon. Although I wasn't working one of my co-workers called me up and told me to come down and try out... It was either that or play Kid Iracus on the Nintendo... You know the rest of the story.
What made you decide to go on the show?
Well it wasn't to find true love that's for sure. I could tell that's what made me different from every other dude I saw trying out. I saw shitty fake-tan dudes with khaki shorts/loafers with no socks trying way toooooo hard. Go to EHARMONY.... I just wanted to make my friends laugh. I like doing that... And it's a lot easier to make them all laugh at once if your on TV.
Were you surprised with the first two women they set you up with? They seemed really, really uptight and I was wondering if they did that on purpose so that it was an even bigger surprise when Kristen showed up.
I wasn't surprised at all. They knew it would be comedy gold to have a couple of girls that represented the opposite of what I was looking for... I ignored them and was hell-bent on making the cameramen laugh... Everytime I did that I knew I was doing a good job... I swear to god I'm not that crazy in real life... But there was no way in hell I was going to sit with those ladies and talk Nintendo when they were giving me that "I WANTED A GUY IN A UNTUCKED DRESS SHIRT" look.
Kristen seemed really, really cool and the two of you were easily the most authentic people on the show. Did you guys hit it off after the show and have you seen her since?
The best part of Kristen was the fact she was doing it for the same reason I was. When we got out of Fenway I told her I was only being crazy for the camera... And she was too! So we really didn't' need to have a stupid ass follow-up date that neither of us wanted to be on... We keep in touch online. She's actually moving to NY in October to get her big break.... Why do we always lose so many talented people to NY!!! Whether it's baseball, comedy, music.... I think there's no difference.... I want to win my championship here... Even if I end up like Ted Williams or Yaz... That should of been the plot of Fever Pitch... Not Jimmy fucking Fallon... Which was New York's revenge on us.
The description of the women taking twenty minutes to pick out what color hat they should buy fucking killed me because it's so damn true. Do you think that Sox ownership is catering more towards the Pink Hatters at the expense of their loyal fan base, i.e. people who know who Jim Rice is? Between Sox Appeal, Remy's constant pimping of Rem Dawg merchandise in between cigarette breaks and this ridiculous election for a president of Red Sox Nation, it's starting to feel like the play on the field is becoming secondary.
I could write a whole book about my experience at the Red Sox Team store.... I've been working there for three years and have witnessed some of the most pathetic displays of soccer mommies and tourist picking out clothing just for the sake of being fashionable... I store it deep inside and hope one day to release it... "Do you have the lime-green Red Sox hat with the shamrock on the back... no wait, do you have one with the Sox? You hate me don't you? Who's that Chinese guy they signed in the off-season? Do you have Wally in the chair with the drink-holder for the chair?" The questions go on and on. But you gotta understand we're competing against the Yankees in terms of payroll with a much small stadium and baseball must be shopped to the upper-crust in this town.... It's the sad truth of it all.
More annoying: Pink Hatters or Yankees fans?
Yankees fans... I get the feeling if I locked pink-hatters in a room and preached the evils of they're ways I could convert most of them in an hour. Fashion sucks. It's a baseball cap not a dress.
How many times have you wanted to strangle JD Drew?
Not just him.... Someone signed him you know! The whole winter every newspaper, and fat-dude on WEEI begged the Red Sox not to sign him... We knew. He has the same eyes as that fat kid on the Cosby show who made grape juice with Rudy and ran out like a little bitch when the juicer went crazy and squirted juice everywhere... He might be that same kid... Maybe you can check this out?? Just wait till Manny comes back.... This is where managers become managers... I know Terry has a weak-spot for veterans... But the fans know better... Ellsbury has a hit in every game he's played and I saw him giving mouth to mouth to a man he hit with a foul ball during a game last weekend... THE KID DOES IT ALL!
Why do you love the North Shore so much? I understand it because I'm a lifer, but explain it to other people.
Because it's peacefully cheesy... Sorta like NH without the fireworks, and the bad Taz tattoos. I live in Allston and the city is soooo intense... Always a dick-measuring contest... Route 1. has a Vegas feel.... If Vegas was all mini-golf and Panera Breads! I love cruising the strip... The Northshore is where your gonna soar!
Prediction for the post-season?
YES!!! An all-star episode of Sox Appeal where I get two innings with Hazel Mae, Kelly Barons, and Kathryn Tappen!!! Yay ratings!!!
What's next for Roadsteamer?
Hahahaha.... Just trying to stay happy. For most people in Boston I'm just some time-bomb that appeared on a semi-reality dating show... For me I still have 20 or 30 years left to try and add another paragraph or two to my Wikipedia bio.
*****
Robby and the rest of Roadsteamer will be performing at The Freedom Rally on Boston Common this Saturday, Sept. 15th and at Great Scotts in Allston on Sept. 17th. For more info on Robby and his band check out their website Roadsteamer.com and their You Tube channel. The Tecmo Bowl video alone is worth the trip.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Sox Appeal Episode 6: Who Could Ask For Anything More?
I don't know if we're going to get through this one, kids. It's the first celebrity edition of Sox Appeal and I use the term celebrity as loosely as Paris Hilton's garter belt.
Meet Robby Roadsteamer.
No, you read that right. Robby Roadsteamer.
Robby has a band. Roadsteamer. He's the lead singer. Here's the video for their hit "I Put a Baby In You".
Other hits include "Let Me Put the Tip In" and "I'm Sorry Your Cat Has Ass Cancer".
He's a North Shore native who has a tattoo of the Rt. 1 dinosaur on his arm. He's a DJ. He sells souvenirs at Fenway Park. He also has a show on YouTube. Here's episode one. It's definitely not safe for work.
The show hasn't even started yet and I feel like I should hate this guy...but I don't. There's something oddly endearing about him. I mean, he has the mini-golf dino on his arm. How can you not like that? Go look at his website and see if you feel the same. Whatever it is, I hope it passes otherwise this will be a very boring blog.
Let's get started.
Not Lenny Clarke, who gets more annoying with each passing week, takes us to Robby's house where he's hanging out with his bandmates. He sells hats during Sox games and says women spend twenty minutes trying to decide between a lime green hat and a pink hat because Fever Pitch made being a Red Sox fan cute. 30 seconds into the show and he's well on his way to becoming the official favorite Sox Appeal contestant of this blog.
And we have our first ick moment, not with Robby but with Alan Dershowitz, who describes meeting his much younger wife at a cheap motel in Newton. There's a visual I didn't need.
Robby brought a sidekick with him; the keyboard player for Roadsteamer, Nick Roadsteamer. Nick brought along his keytar. Robby sends Nick off to hide while he waits for his first date. Moments later, Peggy McClellan appears.
I know! I'm as surprised as you are to find out that she's not a mid-60's school committee member from Southie!
Peggy's looking for a dream chaser. If achieving a perfect score at Duck Hunt counts, she'll be all set.
And before she has a chance to sip her beer, Robby insults her by calling her a pink hat type. I get the feeling he might be right. He attempts a comeback by calling her "unicorn eyes".
Yeah, I don't know what the hell it means either.
And it just gets worse. He tries to get her to yell at the Blue Jays players. "You smell like cat food!!"
Silence.
Then he tells her she reminded him of Herman Munster but in a good way, because they're both so tall.
More silence.
The first inning is over and things really aren't going well. There's a little bit of Micah in Robby and I don't mean that in a good way.
But wait! There's hope. They have something in common.
That's right. They're big fans of the octagon. This delights Robby to no end.
"I like you, Unicorn Eyes. You're fiery!"
And just like that, the second inning is over and we find out that Peggy wasn't too fond of her pet name. Hey Peggy, it could have been much worse. He could have said you remind him of a tree. You know, because of that gigantic stick you have up your ass. Here's a clue: if you're going to be all picky and condescending about who you meet on a reality show, don't go a reality show. You just end up ruining the fun for the rest of us.
Moving on.
Our second date is Jennifer Cavallaro, a phys-ed teacher with a secret attraction to Gabe Kaplan.
She's looking for a guy who is serious about his body and staying in shape.
Have I mentioned that Robby's favorite food is Hot Pockets?
Hoping to change the subject from physical fitness, Robby asks her how much she loves the Sox. She tells him she's a huge, hardcore fan and he decides to quiz her on the retired numbers.
She doesn't have a clue.
How the hell can you call yourself a Red Sox fan and not know at least one of the retired numbers? How do you not know WHO TED WILLIAMS IS?!?!?!
Jennifer gives it a shot, throwing out the name of legendary Sox left-fielder Jerry Rice.
And this, my friends, is why Pink Hat Nation must be destroyed. Bombed back to the stone ages where people didn't have hats. Turned into a glass parking lot.
Robby handles it much better than I would and makes sure she doesn't feel embarrassed. You know, as quirky as this guy may be, he's decent. It's such a pleasant change from that walking bowl of dicks on last week's show.
The third inning ends and Robby invites Jennifer to have a hot dog eating contest with him. By the look on her face, you'd think he asked her to give Jerry Rice a blow job. And it doesn't get any better when she asks what his perfect date would be.
"Shaw's. Anything from the instant meal section. And then we rent The Neverending Story."
Oh Robby.
Manny flies out to end the fourth and Jennifer heads back to the bleachers, wanting nothing to do with Robby. "If I got picked, I don't know if I'd go back."
You know, it's bad enough NESN decided to do this show in the first place. Why can't they at least set these contestants up with people who have even a tiny bit of compatibility? It's obvious that Robby is a couple of Froot Loops short of a box so why set him up with these uptight little skanks? I hope it's not because they think it makes good television because it really, really, really doesn't.
Oh Christ. We just saw the preview for next week's episode and it's a 62 year old military veteran and cancer survivor. Thanks NESN. Why don't you have him rescue some kids from a burning building on his way to the game so that I can really have nothing to write about. Assholes.
The third and final date is Kristen Ferreira from Dighton, MA.
She likes coffee and dislikes people? I thought I was the only one!
Oh boy. I take back what I said about compatibility.
Kristen matches Robby quirk for quirk, outburst for outburst, and he's loving it. She calls herself a livewire. I swear, I feel like I've seen these two before.
Oh wait! I have!
In what will go down as one of the best moments in Sox Appeal history, Kristen gets up and sings to Robby, with his sidekick keeping tempo.
(To the tune of I've Got Rhythm)
Nice to meet you
My name's Kristen
I hope you're cool
And I hope we get along
I like the Red Sox
I like coffee
I like music
I hope I like you too
If you're an idiot
I'll ignore you
I'll just watch the
Red Sox game
Are you ready
For some fun now...
Not Lenny Clarke nailed it. It's like they were separated at birth.
He nicknames her Froggy. She loves it.
He asks her to have a hot dog eating contest. She accepts.
They're dunking their hot dogs in beer and downing them Joey Chestnut style.
She has a checklist of questions she asks her dates.
"Do you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah and Ramadan?"
"Do you hate cherries but love Cherry Poppins?"
"Do you recycle but only on Tuesdays?"
Robby's stomach hurts so he lies down on the floor as the questions continue.
"Are you a cowboy/underwater explorer/astronaut and put eagles back into the wild?"
"Are you a hovercraft captain?"
"Do you enjoy space and the final frontier?"
"Do you like Block Island, Bob Marley and Guns 'n Roses?"
Robby grabs her hand and says that if David Ortiz hits a double, she's the one.
And he does.
Are you kidding me?
You couldn't script this if you tried. And believe me, I'm sure NESN did.
We're done with the 6th and Kristen heads back to the bleachers to await Robby's decision.
If he doesn't pick her, there won't be a blog next week. I'm not kidding. They're absolutely perfect for each other.
He's got the poster board. He's writing a name.
And he picks.....
KRISTEN!
She's excited, he's excited and the other two snotty little bitches are relieved. Whatever. If you want to find a couple of guys with matching sticks up their asses, go volunteer for Mitt Romney's campaign and stay the hell out of Fenway.
Congratulations Robby and Kristen. You're the Official Favorite Sox Appeal Couple of Pink Hat Hell.
See you next week.
And if you can think of how to snark on a military vet/cancer survivor, please let me know.
Meet Robby Roadsteamer.
No, you read that right. Robby Roadsteamer.
Robby has a band. Roadsteamer. He's the lead singer. Here's the video for their hit "I Put a Baby In You".
Other hits include "Let Me Put the Tip In" and "I'm Sorry Your Cat Has Ass Cancer".
He's a North Shore native who has a tattoo of the Rt. 1 dinosaur on his arm. He's a DJ. He sells souvenirs at Fenway Park. He also has a show on YouTube. Here's episode one. It's definitely not safe for work.
The show hasn't even started yet and I feel like I should hate this guy...but I don't. There's something oddly endearing about him. I mean, he has the mini-golf dino on his arm. How can you not like that? Go look at his website and see if you feel the same. Whatever it is, I hope it passes otherwise this will be a very boring blog.
Let's get started.
Not Lenny Clarke, who gets more annoying with each passing week, takes us to Robby's house where he's hanging out with his bandmates. He sells hats during Sox games and says women spend twenty minutes trying to decide between a lime green hat and a pink hat because Fever Pitch made being a Red Sox fan cute. 30 seconds into the show and he's well on his way to becoming the official favorite Sox Appeal contestant of this blog.
And we have our first ick moment, not with Robby but with Alan Dershowitz, who describes meeting his much younger wife at a cheap motel in Newton. There's a visual I didn't need.
Robby brought a sidekick with him; the keyboard player for Roadsteamer, Nick Roadsteamer. Nick brought along his keytar. Robby sends Nick off to hide while he waits for his first date. Moments later, Peggy McClellan appears.
I know! I'm as surprised as you are to find out that she's not a mid-60's school committee member from Southie!
Peggy's looking for a dream chaser. If achieving a perfect score at Duck Hunt counts, she'll be all set.
And before she has a chance to sip her beer, Robby insults her by calling her a pink hat type. I get the feeling he might be right. He attempts a comeback by calling her "unicorn eyes".
Yeah, I don't know what the hell it means either.
And it just gets worse. He tries to get her to yell at the Blue Jays players. "You smell like cat food!!"
Silence.
Then he tells her she reminded him of Herman Munster but in a good way, because they're both so tall.
More silence.
The first inning is over and things really aren't going well. There's a little bit of Micah in Robby and I don't mean that in a good way.
But wait! There's hope. They have something in common.
That's right. They're big fans of the octagon. This delights Robby to no end.
"I like you, Unicorn Eyes. You're fiery!"
And just like that, the second inning is over and we find out that Peggy wasn't too fond of her pet name. Hey Peggy, it could have been much worse. He could have said you remind him of a tree. You know, because of that gigantic stick you have up your ass. Here's a clue: if you're going to be all picky and condescending about who you meet on a reality show, don't go a reality show. You just end up ruining the fun for the rest of us.
Moving on.
Our second date is Jennifer Cavallaro, a phys-ed teacher with a secret attraction to Gabe Kaplan.
She's looking for a guy who is serious about his body and staying in shape.
Have I mentioned that Robby's favorite food is Hot Pockets?
Hoping to change the subject from physical fitness, Robby asks her how much she loves the Sox. She tells him she's a huge, hardcore fan and he decides to quiz her on the retired numbers.
She doesn't have a clue.
How the hell can you call yourself a Red Sox fan and not know at least one of the retired numbers? How do you not know WHO TED WILLIAMS IS?!?!?!
Jennifer gives it a shot, throwing out the name of legendary Sox left-fielder Jerry Rice.
And this, my friends, is why Pink Hat Nation must be destroyed. Bombed back to the stone ages where people didn't have hats. Turned into a glass parking lot.
Robby handles it much better than I would and makes sure she doesn't feel embarrassed. You know, as quirky as this guy may be, he's decent. It's such a pleasant change from that walking bowl of dicks on last week's show.
The third inning ends and Robby invites Jennifer to have a hot dog eating contest with him. By the look on her face, you'd think he asked her to give Jerry Rice a blow job. And it doesn't get any better when she asks what his perfect date would be.
"Shaw's. Anything from the instant meal section. And then we rent The Neverending Story."
Oh Robby.
Manny flies out to end the fourth and Jennifer heads back to the bleachers, wanting nothing to do with Robby. "If I got picked, I don't know if I'd go back."
You know, it's bad enough NESN decided to do this show in the first place. Why can't they at least set these contestants up with people who have even a tiny bit of compatibility? It's obvious that Robby is a couple of Froot Loops short of a box so why set him up with these uptight little skanks? I hope it's not because they think it makes good television because it really, really, really doesn't.
Oh Christ. We just saw the preview for next week's episode and it's a 62 year old military veteran and cancer survivor. Thanks NESN. Why don't you have him rescue some kids from a burning building on his way to the game so that I can really have nothing to write about. Assholes.
The third and final date is Kristen Ferreira from Dighton, MA.
She likes coffee and dislikes people? I thought I was the only one!
Oh boy. I take back what I said about compatibility.
Kristen matches Robby quirk for quirk, outburst for outburst, and he's loving it. She calls herself a livewire. I swear, I feel like I've seen these two before.
Oh wait! I have!
In what will go down as one of the best moments in Sox Appeal history, Kristen gets up and sings to Robby, with his sidekick keeping tempo.
(To the tune of I've Got Rhythm)
Nice to meet you
My name's Kristen
I hope you're cool
And I hope we get along
I like the Red Sox
I like coffee
I like music
I hope I like you too
If you're an idiot
I'll ignore you
I'll just watch the
Red Sox game
Are you ready
For some fun now...
Not Lenny Clarke nailed it. It's like they were separated at birth.
He nicknames her Froggy. She loves it.
He asks her to have a hot dog eating contest. She accepts.
They're dunking their hot dogs in beer and downing them Joey Chestnut style.
She has a checklist of questions she asks her dates.
"Do you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah and Ramadan?"
"Do you hate cherries but love Cherry Poppins?"
"Do you recycle but only on Tuesdays?"
Robby's stomach hurts so he lies down on the floor as the questions continue.
"Are you a cowboy/underwater explorer/astronaut and put eagles back into the wild?"
"Are you a hovercraft captain?"
"Do you enjoy space and the final frontier?"
"Do you like Block Island, Bob Marley and Guns 'n Roses?"
Robby grabs her hand and says that if David Ortiz hits a double, she's the one.
And he does.
Are you kidding me?
You couldn't script this if you tried. And believe me, I'm sure NESN did.
We're done with the 6th and Kristen heads back to the bleachers to await Robby's decision.
If he doesn't pick her, there won't be a blog next week. I'm not kidding. They're absolutely perfect for each other.
He's got the poster board. He's writing a name.
And he picks.....
KRISTEN!
She's excited, he's excited and the other two snotty little bitches are relieved. Whatever. If you want to find a couple of guys with matching sticks up their asses, go volunteer for Mitt Romney's campaign and stay the hell out of Fenway.
Congratulations Robby and Kristen. You're the Official Favorite Sox Appeal Couple of Pink Hat Hell.
See you next week.
And if you can think of how to snark on a military vet/cancer survivor, please let me know.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
