Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Onion Nails It

They may be famous for fake news but there are times when The Onion is prescient. For example: In 2004, Schick introduced the Quattro razor, prompting the CEO of Gillette to "issue" a memo to his employees via The Onion entitled, "Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades". One year later, Gillette introduced the Fusion razor with, you guessed it, five blades.

Earlier this week, The Onion reported on a phenomenon sweeping its way across Fenway Park in an article that can best be described as fake but accurate.

My Girlfriend Wants to Leave the Game Now

BOSTON—According to eyewitness reports, Jennifer Holleman, 25, wants to leave the game now despite the difficulty and expense of obtaining tickets, the strong playoff implications of the contest, and the fact that the final result of the hotly contested tie game is still in doubt. "Are you still watching this? Or can we leave soon?" Holleman asked boyfriend Ian Pickett, who had been looking forward to the game for weeks and had in fact initially invited his best friend before finally being coerced by Holleman to bring her instead. "Let's go watch a movie or something. Or I could call Liz and Michelle and meet up at a bar that's playing the game there.Then you could still watch the end of the game. We've been here for an hour already and no one's even winning." Earlier in the evening, Pickett had missed the only scoring of the once-in-a-lifetime sporting epic while waiting in line at the gift shop to purchase a pink version of the home team's hat.


Anonymous said...

When you put out Pink Hat Hell merchandise can you be sure to include pink hats.


Karen said...

You can make fun of the pink hats all you want but alot of women, including myself, buy the hat because it helps fight breast cancer and we're survivors. Maybe you should think about that before making fun of us.

April said...

Karen, you take self-importance to a new level.

I'm a cancer survivor, and I can guarantee you that my life is not transformed by the fact that you bought a pink hat.

Get over yourself. You want to make a difference? Go work at a hospice or make a dying kid's wish come true.

The idea that you would try to beat someone else over the head with your "good deed" undoes all the perceived good you think you've done.

Karen said...

Maybe it doesn't transform your life but it transforms the lives of 1000s of women who are Sox fans and survivors. It isn't all about you. We're proud of our team and we're proud of our battle and the more money that goes to treating breast cancer the better.

Tiki said...

Karen, the pink hats do not raise money for breast cancer. That is categorically false.

Karen said...

No, that is categorically UNTRUE. Channel 4 said it a couple of weeks ago. I cannot believe people are this shallow and see raising money to treat cancer as a bad thing.

april said...

Only Red Sox hats with pink ribbons embroidered on them support breast cancer research, and those come in all colors.

But good job playing the cancer card to deflect criticism. Now anyone who finds the pink hat laughable is automatically against cancer research!

You're right Karen, it isn't all about me. It's all about you.

John Foley said...

I'm very glad to hear that you're a survivor of cancer. I give you nothing but the best wishes as far as that goes.
But don't be an oversensitive prat about it. Cancer is bad enough, you don't need to add humorlessness to the equation. Besides, any real Red Sox fan should be able to take such a negligible amount of ribbing. Honestly.

P.S. I'm not against raising money for cancer research.

Anonymous said...

The pink hats fight cancer?

Crap, I wish I knew that before I bought mine. I just can't support that. I'm going to throw mine away.