Sunday, August 3, 2008

The Season Two Premiere of Sox Appeal


(Be sure to check out Manny Happy Returns, our good friend California Bill's take on Manny heading west.)

The tag line for this season's Sox Appeal is "This year the game isn't on the field."

Ain't that the truth?

In the press release announcing the new season, Joe Feld, NESN's vice president and executive producer said, "We’ve taken feedback from Red Sox Nation, added a few new twists, and made the show hotter, sexier, and funnier.”

Boy, I'm really looking forward to seeing that show because this one sucked.

Good news! Not-Lenny-Clake is back for another season. NLC introduces us to Dave Sawyer, a web developer and improv comedian.



Dave is a nice guy, good looking and has a great sense of humor. I have no idea how he made it through the auditions.

Contrary to V.P. Joe's pimping, not a lot has changed in Hell at the Ballpark. The only difference so far from last season is the debut of the Dater Dugout. Instead of having the three contestants spread out in the bleachers, they're now sitting on the opposite side of the RF Roof Deck, in the standing room only section. They must be praying for catfights. Speaking of catfights, the backdrop for this episode is the June 5th game against the Rays where things got all chippy.

The first of Dave's dates is Terri Trespicio, a 34yr-old magazine editor with a bit of a Tina Fey vibe going on.




Not just any magazine, mind you, but Martha Stewart's Body+Soul magazine and a contributor to Martha Stewart Living Radio. Her name sounded familiar so I hit Google to find out why. Turns out she's a regular contributor to the Boston Globe Sunday Magazine and wrote a very amusing article on dating and food.

Later, we put table manners on hold as we got down and dirty with two heaping platters of baby back ribs. I was licking my fingers, savoring the tangy bite of the sauce, the juicy, sweet meat as it fell away from the bone. "This. Is. So. Good," I said. "It's just so good." The messiness, the food, the beer-induced flush all conspired to make me feel rather lightheaded. I suddenly felt compelled by an instinct that rules the animal kingdom. I needed to see what he smelled like.

Out of nowhere, I leaned across the table and pressed my nose into the skin just inside his collar. And then he kissed me - sending me into a full-body pheromonal swoon. It was as if someone had turned up the volume on all of my senses at once: The room was awash in color and shadow, the murals on the walls swam to life, my ears buzzed. I sat down, shocked at myself.

"For the record," he said, "I definitely want to sleep with you." Simple as that. As if he was declaring he wanted to borrow a book or try the cheesecake.

"You do?"

"Yup."

I wasn't sure what to say. But I knew that regardless of what would or wouldn't transpire, the seduction had, in some ways, already occurred. No coy games or trick lighting. He'd simply put it all on the table.



Funny article, right? Obviously, she hasn't had any trouble finding dates so why is she subjecting herself to this bullshit? Probably for the same reason Dave is: publicity. Now, I don't know that for sure but come on. These are two well-adjusted people who shouldn't have a problem finding anyone to date. That has to be the reason, right? Please tell me that's the reason.

Dave and Terri exchange greetings and get comfortable. She impressed by his career in Improv and asks him to entertain her. He makes a valiant attempt at a song that rhymes Terri with berry but it's pretty bad. She starts asking him questions.


And more questions.


And more questions.


None of which he gets to answered because she's already asking the next one. Let's just say Terri doesn't come from the Judith Miller school of journalism.


The camera pans to the field where Coco Crisp bobs, weaves and decks the Rays' James Shields. All hell breaks loose on the field so naturally, the cameras go to the Dater Dugout, where the two other contestants are watching the fight and trying to appear somewhat interested.

In the Dater Dugout are Kate Walston, a 26 year-old health foods business owner,




and Lauren Rubin, a 25 year-old bartender who lives with her grandmother down the Cape.




Kate tells Lauren, "I don't drink, never smoked a cigarette in my life. I work out every day. I do yoga." Lauren, who has never turned down a drink in her life, snickers and Kate replies, "Well, I'm not a party girl."

Translation? Unlike you, I won't give a blow job for a nip of Malibu Rum.

Meow.

Back at the table, Dave and Terri are asking each other questions from special Sox Appeal cards. Oooh! Twist!

Yawn.

It's not Dave and Terri's fault. It's just so contrived. Maybe after Grandpa Gone Wild from last season, they wanted to control the direction of the conversation.

Their date comes to a close and Kate makes her way to the table. As soon as she's out of earshot, Lauren says, "That was kind of painful." She looks like Elisabeth Hasselbeck, minus the Orange Glo.

Kate wasn't kidding about her secret attraction to Dustin Pedroia. Here she is at the 2007 ALCS.




*facepalm*


By the way, picture was taken by erstwhile Globe shutterbug Steve Silva, which is really strange since it's in focus.

Dave and Kate make with the introductions and after hearing that she's into health food, he asks her what she does when she comes to Fenway. "When I come, I always pack my own lunch or my own dinner."

Strike one.

To get over the shock, Dave invites her to play a little Improv game based on the Celtics. When he asks her to name a player, she has to look in the Crow and Servo seats for help.

Strike two.

On the other side of the roof, Lauren is completely railing about Kate to Lauren. They decide to send a tray full of nachos, hot dogs, french fries and beer to the table. Dave's excited because he's hungry but Kate looks like Jerry Remy just hacked up a tobacco filled loogey and spit it on the table. She picks up the french fries, holding them away from her body as if she'd gain fifty pounds by fucking osmosis and gives them to the table behind her.

I'm not saying that eating nothing but twigs and berries has made Kate a little uptight but there's definitely a stick that could use removal.

Once the French Fry Crisis of 2008 had been averted, Kate asks Dave if he plays sports or is the type of guy who gets excited about going out for a run. You know, like a cocker spaniel. He says that's not really his thing and she replies, "So that's a clear cut difference."

Strike three.

It's pretty obvious this date is going nowhere but instead of bowing out with dignity, Kate takes a shot at Lauren on the way out. "You should probably line up a few beers for the next girl."

WOW! Who knew tofu made you that hostile?

Kate and Lauren cross paths on the stairs and as they're sniping at each other, there's a gigantic boom mic in between their faces. Maybe that's one of the new twists for this season. "We'll show you EXACTLY how we increased our production values!"

Dave's digging Lauren already. He pulls out a deck of cards and has her memorize one. He goes back into the deck and holds up...the wrong card. You can tell Lauren's thinking he's a loser until he bites into a hot dog...and into her card.

The Aristocrats!

"Anyone who can pull a three of clubs out of a wiener is good in my book!"

I just...wow.

He picks a Sox Appeal card and asks her to describe her craziest drinking story. Oddly enough, it doesn't begin with "when I was nine...". She tells him how she attended a charity Lionel Richie (Hey, NESN, it's Richie, not Ritchie) concert and decided to be airbrushed instead of wearing clothes.

I think it's safe to say we could end the show right now, right?

Over in the Dater Dugout, Terri takes a couple of very subtle swings at Kate, calling her a goody-two shoes. You almost feel bad for her. I mean, it's nothing a little bacon couldn't fix.

Dave asks Lauren if she has any hidden talents and she says like most girls, she can tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue.

Hang on.

Most girls can do that? Really? Did I miss the memo? Is this a skill that comes in a kit alongside Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret, a Kotex pad and a bottle of Nair?

Right on cue, the waitress brings a bowl of cherries to the table. Lauren takes the stem, pops it in her mouth and a few moments later, both the stem and Dave are tied up in knots.

The inning comes to a close and Lauren goes back to the dugout.

Awwww, Manny just hit a homah! Sigh. I assumed they'd scrub him from all the footage like the networks did with the World Trade Center after 9/11. Which, by the way, Manny was responsible for, along with Hurricane Katrina, the tsunami, global warming, global cooling, gas prices, the assassinations of both Lincoln AND Kennedy, the death of Princess Diana, breast cancer, Donald Trump's hair, Ted Kennedy and Bob Novak's respective brain tumors, Baby Jessica falling down the well, Heath Ledger's overdose, the introduction of New Coke, the closing of both Ames and Caldor, Owen Hart's fall, the cancellation of Firefly, Heidi and Spencer, Barbaro, our failing public school systems and Ishtar.

Quick, in the battle of the sanctimonious douchebags, who's the champ: Gerry Callahan or Peter Gammons?

In the dugout, Terri has the unfortunate luck of sitting between Lauren and Kate as they bitch back and forth at each other. At this point, I'm just rooting for injuries.

It's time for Dave to make his big decision and surprising absolutely no one, he picks Lauren. As she makes her way down to the table, Kate and Terri console themselves by saying he obviously went for the sure thing.

Bitches, man. Bitches.

Dave and Lauren head off to La Verdad to enjoy the rest of the evening and with that, the first episode of this season's Sox Appeal comes to a merciful en...

What the hell is this?

The Dunkin' Donuts Morning After Recap, hosted by Larry Izzo?

LARRY IZZO??

Are you f'ing kidding me?? Larry, you've got three Super Bowl rings. You play for one of the greatest football teams in in NFL history. You cannot possibly be that hard up for cash. Don't degrade yourself like this. If you need money, just do what Clay Buchholz did and pawn a few laptops. No one will care!

Unbelievable.

Sadly, there wasn't a love connection between Dave and Lauren and I don't think Chuck Woolery has anything to be concerned about. Larry Izzo...that's just wrong.

Be sure to come back next week when one of the contestants is a stripper!

(insert Pesky Pole joke here)

42 comments:

LL said...

Gold. Tiki. GOLD!

Anonymous said...

Good research and using steve silva's work as a prop. excellent. Also good toknow that Tina is easy in case I ever bump into her.

Nopointe said...

So they upped the bitchiness this year .. interesting

sending the junk food to the table when Twiggy McBerries was there sounds like it was actually funny

Denise said...

Teeks, Callahan has to be the bigger sanctimonious douchebag- he's been doing it longer. Gammons has only recently descended into his douchebagginess.

Thank you for watching this so I didn't have to. It sounds like tons and tons of fun- like a root canal, or having to watch Flavor of Love 6.

Anonymous said...

I'm waiting for Silva's "how many readers do you have." comment.

kzfone said...

I love this review. Great job, Tiki!

Jack said...

This is brilliant stuff, Teeks. Why aren't you writing for a magazine or paper?

John Foley said...

Shouldn't that sign read "Pedroi-er is my boy-er?"
I curse the Heavens every day that I can't get this broadcast. It's hard to believe that both this show and Sunset Tan actually got dumber in the offseason.

DannyBoy said...

Peter Gammons's cross to bear was a stroke.

Gerry Callahan's cross to bear was on fire and planted on a lawn.

Advantage Callahan

Anonymous said...

If I were this guy, I'd have gone Brad Womack and written "Me!" on that big board.
The real Tina Fey occasionally stops talking to catch her breath.
The last thing I need to date is a health Nazi.
And I fear breaking all those beer bottles surrounding the blonde when I have to drag her off the table after she passes out.

Jim said...

I watched this on Sunday and your take is dead on hysterical. You have to keep doing this for the entire season. It's hilarious.

Granite_Freedom said...

<- sent from bostonsportsmedia.com, and very pleased to have found your site. I agree with Jack, you're ready for prime-time. Smart, funny and engaging stuff, Tiki. Keep up the amazing work!

Anonymous said...

Great stuff. I know Kate reads this so here's a request. The grass in my yard is getting tall, I don't want to fire up my lawnmower and use up valuable natural resources. So Kate, could you come over and graze a couple of nights this week? You'd be doing me and the environment a favor.

And seriously what do you want to do with boys anyway? You'd do things that lead to breeding and let's face it - kids aren't helping the planet at all these days.

Maria said...

Fan-freaking-tastic. I bow to your genius of namechecking Ames and Caldor. Be sure to check out bachelor #1's perspective article in the Globe magazine:

http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/magazine/articles/2008/08/10/lights_camera_flirt/

sox appeal sux said...

Hey, you're back! Awesome!

Last year it was like watching the train wreck that you can't avert your eyes from. This year, I think I'll skip the show and just read your blog. I don't think the Dater Dugout, engineered bitchiness, and morning-after debriefing added a thing. Just made for a bloodier train wreck.

Wasn't it perfect, though, that this particular train wreck happened on the day Coco charged the mound and started throwing haymakers? Kind of fitting, somehow.

Keep on writing! Glad you're still on top of things!

John Foley said...

Isn't it strange that the logo for this show looks like it was cribbed from the (c.1998) Anaheim Angels uniforms?

Anonymous said...

Health Nazi? Horse hockey.

Tiki said...

Would uptight bitch work better for you?

Tiki said...

And here's a thought: if you're going to pimp your blog in your comment, have the courtesy to leave your fucking name.

Anonymous said...

It's not my blog. The man who runs it is far more polite than I am. But based on his description, and given his track record, I'll take his word over your juvenile mudslinging.

Tiki said...

It's not your blog? Pimping someone else's blog anonymously is even sadder. Why don't you have a blog? I'm sure you'd be great at it since you're above the whole "juvenile mudslinging" thing.

Kate was a bitch. I'm sorry if that offends you but it's the truth. She was a bitch before her date, a bitch during her date and a bitch after the date. Her reaction to the French Fries of Doom didn't help matters. She's at a fucking ballpark, not Whole Foods.

April said...

Apparently the mudslinging is not so juvenille that opportunistic dirtbags can resist pimping for traffic.

By the way, that one hit? That was me. I fell asleep before the page loaded.

But keep at it! Spam enough blogs and your "friend" can sign up for Google ads!

John Foley said...

I wish I could be Anonymous. All the cool kids are doing it.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you wouldn't be so fat if you didn't shovel all those Fenway Franks in your mouth. Do you know what they make Fenway Franks out of? Fenway made Peta's worst park list for 2008.

David Gump- I mean David Gumpert's friend said...

I guess I was sensitive to the episode on this particular afternoon because I had just spent a chunk of the morning at a place called D Acres Farm having a wonderful locally produced breakfast of fresh eggs, potatoes, kale, and buckwheat pancakes—all in exchange for a suggested contribution of $10.

And then I shit out my blog.

You can still smell it!

Anonymous said...

Oh my God, a fat joke! Wow, it only took David Gumpert's friend a week and a half to come up with that one. Must be all the buckwheat and kale enemas.

April said...

PETA? You mean the decent people who brought us this ad?

Who the fuck cares what they think? They're a bunch of terrorists who euthanize perfectly healthy animals and want to outlaw guide dogs for the blind.

And the fact that you would resort to a fat crack while hiding behind Ingrid Newkirk's skirts says all anyone needs to know about the kind of people who go to PETA's church.

Tiki said...

Hey! Look everybody! A fat joke! Wow, that's cutting edge. Here, I've got one: A fat girl walks into a bar and it broke. HA HA! I crack myself up.

Anonymous said...

Tell you what, here's my blog. Knock yourself out.

http://demona.org/blog/

I write it for myself and not for purposes of aggrandizement and e-peen, but you are perfectly free to refer to this as "pimping", even though you were the one who asked for it. I also don't allow any random asshole to scribble their crayon droolings all over it -- a policy you might want to pursue.

Also, I think PETA are a bunch of assholes. Just like you.

Tiki said...

Wow...an entire blog about Linux. Gee, it'll be hard not to leave my crayon scribbles all over that one. Tell me, when you jerk off, is it to pictures of Torvalds or do you use your inflatable penguin?

redhotchicago said...

Demona.org whore spewed:

"I write for myself..."

That's great news, because no one cares! If they did, you wouldn't have to resort to spamming someone else's site for a few clicks. So you're well on your way to being the nothing you aspire to.

And I think you're on the right track by suggesting that anonymous contributions be disallowed. That would screen out "random assholes" like you, insuring that the precious words you write for yourself are not seen by the filthy eyes of mudslinging hot-dog eaters.

So I tell you what. How about you knock yourself out? I'd suggest a big, cast-iron skillet full of sustainable, local produce, right to the frontal lobe. You weren't using it anyway.

April said...

I don't think he meant "e-peen". I think he meant "Epi-Pen". He keeps one in his hybrid. He had a non-renewable latte made without Fairtrade beans once, and he almost sweat through his cruelty-free bamboo shirt.

Anonymous said...

Yawn.

I also love bacon, and eat it every day. And I'm prettier than you.

But hey, if you're really starved for entertainment, you could keep reading and see posts about things other than technology. Of course, if you're like most people, your attention span lasts about half as long as the typical television commercial.

Tiki said...

Would those non-tech posts include the one about your wife getting pwned by CeCe? Yeah, that was riveting.

Anonymous said...

Cece's a cunt, and so are you.

Tiki said...

Yawn. Could you be any more predictable?

You're boring me. Now I know how your wife feels.

Anonymous said...

Laughable Internet toughguy is laughable. Now piss off, grownups are talking.

Told you Mr. Gumpert was more polite.

Tiki said...

Yawn. Shouldn't you be out fucking the sustainable cows? They miss you.

Anonymous said...

Domain ID:D33737873-LROR
Domain Name:DEMONA.ORG
Created On:30-Aug-2000 02:55:26 UTC
Last Updated On:29-Aug-2007 23:37:01 UTC
Expiration Date:30-Aug-2008 02:55:26 UTC
Sponsoring Registrar:Gandi SAS (R42-LROR)
Status:OK
Registrant ID:0-113445-Gandi
Registrant Name:Kill All Humans
Registrant Organization:Kill All Humans
Registrant Street1:445 Park Place
Registrant City:Kalamazoo
Registrant State/Province:Michigan
Registrant Postal Code:49001
Registrant Country:US
Registrant Phone:+1.6163445735

Anonymous said...

You fucked with the wrong guy you cunt.

John Foley said...

Wow, we're still in a place where internet idiots actually say things like "you fucked with the wrong guy?"
It's like we're all back in 2002 or something. Maybe next we can hear about his extensive gun collection, and all of the MMA matches he's won.
Here's hoping.

Kill All Humans said...

Grow up asshole. Anyone can do a WHOIS. You would think a jerkoff with a tech blog would know that.

Next time spring for the $9 and keep your stats private.

Tiki, please boot this loser. He's sucked up enough focus.