Sox Appeal Season 2 Ep. 2: Go-Go Dancer, Your Life Is Calling

Let it never be said that Sox Appeal isn't educational.

You see, when I first heard that tonight's dating hero is an on-again, off-again go-go dancer, I thought that was a nice way of saying she's a stripper. As it turns out, go-go dancers and strippers are quite different from each other. There's the whole clothing thing. While they don't wear much, there is a little bit of fabric between the go-go dancer and the pole. The most famous go-go dancer is Carol Doda from San Francisco. She danced for almost thirty years at the city's famous Condor Club before retiring to open Carol Doda's Champagne & Lace Lingerie Boutique,which specializes in plus sized corsets and leather pants. Go-Go dancing is prominently figured in one of the most underrated Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes, Girl In Gold Boots.


Check out this video: MST3K-A-Go-Go



And as we find out in tonight's episode, at least one go-go dancer has the brains to match the bustier. If only she could have saved this episode from the vortex of suck swirling around Fenway Park.

Meet Kristen Gramazio.




She's a freelance web designer and 2002 semi-finalist for the Miss Massachusetts title. She's looking for "a metrosexual. Nice teeth, works out, has big muscles and always looks good." Jesus, honey, get in line. She's also a gearhead, which gives Not-Lenny-Clark an audible erection. Ick. Come to think of it, there's a lot of ick in this episode. It's almost as bad as the Creepy McIntimacy episode from last season.


First up from the Dater Dugout is Pawan Khawani, a 25 year-old tech support guy from Milford, MA.



I gotta say, he's pretty hot. Looks kind of like an Indian John Mayer mixed with Matt LeBlanc. And he's very charming. Actually, he might be the most charming contestant in Sox Appeal history. The fact that he chews with his mouth closed and doesn't walk on all fours already puts him ahead of 95% of the rest. You'll see what I mean later on.

Pawan and Kristen hit it off immediately. They discuss their careers and how he enjoys being the center of attention. As they're getting to know each other, we're introduced to the two neanderthals in the Dater Dugout.

Bill Robinson is a former state trooper who now runs a golf course.



Chris Fiers is a male stripper who works for the Male Encounter show.



And yes, by "Male Encounter show", I mean THAT Male Encounter show.


I don't want to say that NESN jumped into the shallow end of the gene pool with these performance enhancers but they really should get that bump on their head looked at. Listening to them talk is like listening to Fred Smerlas and Steve DeOssie, only less red and less hairy. I think they talked about golf but it was difficult to understand without a Mumbles to English translator.

Back at the table, Pawan is charming the go-go boots off of Kristen. She challenges him to do 25 push-ups and he happily obliges. They make a very cute couple, which is always a bad sign.

Meanwhile, the Sons of Karl Childers are engaging in some frighteningly homoerotic trash talking.

"So whaddya think's gonna happen with our buddy ovah theyah?"
"I'm hoping crash and burn."
"I'm thinking he gets sent back aftah the first inning. If I can get an extra inning out of it, I'll be good."
"Why? You need the extra inning?"
"I only need half an inning."
"Really?"

Oh, just fuck and get it over with, will you?

"I think he's gonna slit his wrists."
"I think he did just by walkin ovah theyah."
"I don't know, though. She might be into geeks."

As this sparkling conversation is taking place, the "geek" is salsa dancing with Kristen and confesses that he's a mama's boy. His parents just moved from India to live with him and he's happy because he can pay his mother back for all that she's done for him.

Kristen swoons.

The second inning comes to a close and I have to agree with NLC: this might be the most successful date in Sox Appeal history. Again, a bad sign.

Bill heads down to the table and, in another history making moment, begins the most boring date in Sox Appeal history. No joke, I actually nodded off a little bit. He's not the least bit outgoing and getting him to answer questions is like pulling teeth. He's also a little confused on the meaning of the word honest.

"I'm very forward, very honest..."
"Have you ever cheated?"
"Yes."

One of these things is not like the other...

While Kristen makes Bill do the mandatory 25 push-ups, Chris is hammering Pawan for details.

"Blonde, gorgeous, brains, she had it all. She made me do push-ups, taught me how to dance a little bit.."
"Wait a minute. She made you do push-ups? What, did you get one out?"

This guy really makes me enjoy the fact that steroids make your balls look like raisins.

Kristen is trying desperately to engage Bill in any kind of conversation and asks him what he thinks about the other two guys. He says Pawan is "short and naive" and Chris is "self absorbed". She's totally unimpressed and thankfully, the longest two innings of 2008 come to a close.

Oh, wait! While all of this was going on, Pawan was taunting Chris, asking him if he works out. I love this guy.

Christ, that last date was painful.

Chris isn't at the table 30 seconds before Kristen asks him to show off his Male Encounter moves.

And he does.

In front of everyone.

Including kids.

Listen, I'm far from a prude but making a woman hold your ass while thrusting your raisins in her face in front of a bunch of kids just isn't cool. And the women coming down from the stands to stick dollar bills in his pants didn't help.

The push-up challenge is next and while he gets them done, he's totally and completely out of breath and Kristen isn't impressed. All brawn, no brains and no stamina.

In the Dater Dugout, Pawan notices that Chris left behind a felt flower that he had intended to give to Kristen. He walks back to the table, apologizes for interrupting and says he forgot to give her the flower. Kristen is delighted and hugs him as Chris sits there and sulks. Pawan winks at Chris and heads back to the Dugout. This kid? Balls like grapefruits.

I have to give Bill credit. After Chris's date comes to a close, he switches seats with Pawan so that Chris won't kill him for the flower stunt.

After Kristen consults with the Crow and Servo Box, she's ready to make her decision. There's just one tiny problem.

She doesn't remember his name. NLC suggests "small", "medium" and "large". I'll admit it, I chuckled.

She holds up the sign and has picked..."ONE".

Pawan! Didn't see that coming. The good guy never gets picked on these awful shows. He heads down to the table, leaving the Sons of Karl Childers in his dust, and the two head off for their dinner at The Bleacher Bar.

Someone really, really needs to have an intervention with Larry Izzo. Do a Bernie & Phyl's commercial. An ad for the Duck Boats. Anything but this.

Pawan and Kristen are together on the set with Larry and it turns out they had a great time together. They've been talking frequently since their date and have plans to go out again. Kristen says she doesn't regret her choice for a second. Awwww. It's a happy ending!

I just hope Kristen's friends don't take her to Male Encounter for the bachelorette party.