I think I've finally figured it out. I think I know why we're being subjected to this trainwreck.
We're being punished.
This is the price we have to pay for two World Series championships.
That has to be it, right? There's no way that there are people who tune into Sox Appeal because they actually like it. No way. Was the Boston vs New York Poker Challenge must see TV? Schindler's List is funner than NESN Comedy All-Stars. Does anyone TiVo The Remys? There has to be a reason why NESN keeps pumping out this garbage and I'm thinking it's all about those two trophies. You know, the only things that have been passed around more than Jason Varitek's room number.
Despite all of the improvements NESN was crowing about, the show has gone from sucks to blows. With very few exceptions, the contestants and dating "heroes" have been boring. I have to give NESN credit, though. They pulled off something pretty rare. They've made the half-hour format seem ten times longer than last season's hour-long. That takes skill.
This is Alex Stathos.
He's a property manager for those ritzy West End Apartments and the pretension seems to have worn off on him. He describes himself as "charming", "good looking", and "a catch", and has no problem meeting women. "On any given day, I probably have ten to fifteen girls in my phone that I could call." Ten to fifteen girls in his phone? Are we supposed to be impressed? I have ten to fifteen men in my phone that I could call on any given day but that doesn't mean I'm getting laid. Especially by the ones that answer, "Thank you for calling CVS" and "Peabody Police Department, your call is being recorded."
This guy just oozes smarm. He's cocky and arrogant and thinks he's God's gift to women, when in reality, he looks an awful lot like Fred Savage. With an ego this big based on, well, pretty much nothing, you'd think he was the long lost 4th Andelman brother.
Alex's first date is Sarah Morin, a 24 yr-old homeschool tutor who's opening her own dog walking business.
You can tell right away that Alex isn't into Sarah. He barely looks at her after she sits at the table and focuses on the game instead. When the Rays hit a home run that bounced off the top of the Green Monster, Sarah asks if it was a home run. Alex looks like someone just told him he wasn't pretty. He asks her what she's into and she reveals her deep affection for cartoon robots.
Yeah, I didn't get it either. Although I was hoping Alex would tell her to "bite my shiny metal ass" but that would have required a sense of humor and he's much more interested in his hair. Instead, he makes her get up and do the robot dance and it's every bit as awkward and awful as you'd imagine.
Alex tells Sarah that he's started taking guitar lessons because chicks dig guitar players. She tries to stifle her eye roll but with little success. You know it's a bad sign when people start talking about the weather and that's exactly what they do.
As the conversation between Alex and Sarah goes on life support, we get our first glimpse into the Dater Dugout and meet the other two contestants...
and Shannon Smith:
Amanda is a legal assistant, Shannon is a cancer researcher and they're both dressed way, way too slutty for Fenway. If the date between Alex and Sarah wasn't already a disaster, her choice of a polo shirt over their choice of, well, not much of anything, would have totally sealed the deal.
Back at the table, they've resorted to asking each other the questions on the Sox Appeal cards. Sarah asks him if there's anything that women don't find attractive about him and he's quick to answer no. So here's my question: if he's that good looking and that much of a catch, why is he on eHarmony For Dummies?
The second inning comes to a merciful close and Sarah practically sprints back to the Dater Dugout. Amanda heads down and Alex's demeanor changes instantly. If this show had thought bubbles, the one over his head would say "BOOBIES!!!11!!" He's hoping she's a rock 'n roller because she looks a little punky. When she tells him she's a legal secretary, you can actually hear his erection deflate. She's also trying to become a cop and he asks her if she wants to be a small town cop or an "L.A. riot cop". An L.A. riot cop?? A reference that dated belongs in a Simmons colums.
Speaking of dated, Amanda tells Alex how much she hates dancing and how the only thing she can do is the Cabbage Patch so naturally, he makes her get up in front of everyone and dance. Waldorf and Statler in the broadcast booth try to figure out what Spice Girl she reminds them of. In Remy's case, I'm thinking Tobacco Spice.
For some reason, Alex is really excited about these guitar lessons. He can play two songs: "Wonderwall" and "Rockin' In the Free World". You know, songs to woo a lady. When Amanda says that she's a pet person, Alex reveals that he does not, in fact, brake for animals. He hates dogs and will never have one because he doesn't want them to slobber all over his nice furniture and shed all over his nice clothes. I think Alex is just jealous that he can't lay in the sun all day and groom himself with his tongue.
The dog situation is a big turnoff for Amanda and she's happy when the 4th inning is over and trades places with Shannon in the Dater Dugout. One of Shannon's dislikes is "big egos". Oh boy.
Things start off well as Alex is impressed by Shannon's Sox knowledge. She knows her stuff, even referring to JD Drew as "Nancy". Speaking of JD Drew, if you haven't seen it already, head over to Deadspin and check out the horrifying slash fiction that Gerry Calla...someone wrote about the Drew brothers. Anyway, Alex asks Shannon what she does for a living and she starts telling him about all the important research she's working on to help find a cure for breast cancer. And because it's not about him, he couldn't be less interested. He did perk up when she got to the part about testing on live animals but that was it. Asshole. Why don't you tell her about your guitar lessons? I'm sure she'll be thrilled.
But for some strange reason, she seems to like him. When the date is over, she says she'll be disappointed if he doesn't pick her. Who knew Oasis had that kind of power?
As the three women wait in the Dater Dugout, Alex does a quick Satellite of Love survey and makes his decision. Who's the lucky girl who gets to have dinner the self-proclaimed biggest catch in town?
It's Shannon. He says he knew she'd be the one the moment he laid eyes on her. But he's not shallow. The two head over to Game On for dinner where hopefully, they won't have a guitar.
It's week three and I still can't believe Larry Izzo is doing this.
Both Alex and Shannon are there but it doesn't seem like the date was a big success. She won't commit to a second date, despite Larry's prodding. Looks like the biggest catch in Boston got thrown back into the water.
And hopefully took that f'ing guitar with him.