Curt Schilling Orders Entire State Of New York Off Of His Lawn

Say now, what's old no. 38 up to these days? He's such a charming fellow, I feel bad when he slips under the radar. So where are you, Schill? What's new in your world? Have you been... pitching? Hmmm, nope. Showing up to camp in the best shape of your life? Hmmmmmm. Doesn't look like it. Very peculiar, that. I thought only *clubhouse cancers* showed up to camp overweight. Making 8 million U.S. dollars for doing literally nothing? Yes, he does appear to be doing that. Doing a damn fine job of it, if I do say so. What about, oh I don't know, running his stupid big mouth again? Why yes! Yes that's exactly what old no. 38, that lovable rapscallion, the protector of the Game's Dignity, is doing these days. And might I say, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Look, it's hard goddamn work being Curt Schilling. Who else could shoulder the responsibility that this man does? Few, if any, other major leaguers have the vision, the judgment, the commitment to excellence. Few, if any, other men are as steeped in the Rules of Baseball. It's not easy being the final arbiter of the Right and Wrong ways to play the game, but number 38 is more than man enough for the task. That's one thing I've always said about Schilling, the man knows how to play baseball. If he sees someone that is playing the game the Wrong Way, do you really expect Schill to keep quiet? You must not be familiar with the man's body of work. He's a gunslinger. A warrior. A throwback.

Me personally, I'd love to have Schill weigh in (Get it? Because he's fat.) on every sports controversy that occurs in a calendar year. What on Earth am I going on about? Let's take a journey back, back through the mists of time. The Wayback Machine has taken us all the way back the September 14th, 2007. Does that date ring any bells for you? It should, for that was the day when New York Yankees quadruple-A wunderkind Shelley Duncan revealed himself as one of the worst human beings in the world. What did the career minor-leaguer do that earned him a spot in the New England sports Hall of Shame? Shelley Duncan signed a kid's notebook that day, and on that notebook he wrote "Red Sox suck." Pretty much a dick move, most of us would say. I'm an actual fan of the Yankees, and I thought it was stupid. The way I see it, Sox fans can keep their insipid "Yankees suck" chant to themselves. I see no reason to engage in namecalling. I also have no doubt that Curt Schilling thought that it was a bush-league thing to do. Curt always tells us when things are bush. Who better to ask? The guy's a winner, am I right? He's the keeper of the flame! When something's bush, he's not keeping it to himself.

And yet...this is what the Grand Marshall of Baseball Morality and Comportment had to say yesterday:
"The euphoria in New York is palpable," Schilling said. "I mean, the Yankees suck this year. And they're bitter and mad and they're making excuses over that. And now, you know, now they got Tom going down, so, you know, New York's excited."

Yeah, Curt. I know. The Yankees, this year, DO suck. I say this as a lifelong fan of the men in pinstripes. They've been awful. I can say that. I'm just a fan. You, on the other hand, are a player. An active player. A professional. The Moral Compass of Baseball. Don't you think it's a little unseemly to engage in the "Yankees suck" phenomenon? This is the star you want to hitch your not-insignificant wagon to?

Let's lay our cards on the table, Curt. If another active player (and a union rep at that!) made a similar comment about YOUR team, how would you react? Don't bother answering. We both know how you would respond. The plain truth is that you would be the fucking point-man leading the angry mob. The superstitious townfolk with torches and pitchforks would follow your lead. They would devour every angry syllable that you uttered or wrote. If someone said that about YOUR team you'd post a 15,000 word screed on your tedious blog. You'd spent 36 straight hours on the Sons of Sam Horn message board. You would set a world record for number of times the word "bush" was used in a single blog post. You know the way the game should be played, after all, and you know the way that "real" fans should behave.

As a professional ballplayer, you have a higher standard to meet. Talking trash about other teams? What is this, the NFL? The decent thing to do would probably have been to say "The Yankees have had a disappointing season, and it's understandable that their fans are feeling a little dejected." Something like that. That should have been it. Otherwise, you come off as every bit the punk that Jose Canseco is. At least that bloated fool had the decency to wait until he was sufficiently out of baseball before burning his bridges.

And to accuse NY fans of being "bitter and miserable?" I realize that you're still a relative newcomer to the Boston scene and all, but... are you kidding? Bitterness and misery were the basis for NE fans' entire persona for almost all of the 20th century. Boston fans had cornered the market on misery. Up until '04, the year you rode into town on your white horse, New Englanders fairly exulted in their underdog status. You weren't around for all of that, even though you pretend to be one of them. Trust me- bitterness and misery and fear/acceptance of losing were all very much a part of the collective subconscious in the Commonwealth. Of course these fans wanted the Sox to win. But they expected them to lose. Ask a real Sox fan. Someone who's been there for longer than 4 years. Part of the culture was built around their perennial resignation. You can look it up. Books have been written.

Since 2004, much has changed. The Sox and Pats, now even the Celtics, have enjoyed tremendous success. With that success has come a commensurate level of confidence and pride in one's team. But dude, before that? It was pretty fucking rough. Yes, the arrogance and the joy are there now, but that's now. It is simply disingenuous for you to act like the misery was never there before. It was a huge component of the Sox fan's identities for a long, long time. Suddenly they have all this great success, and the "woe is us" stuff is unseemly? Feeling bad about your team's lack of success is undignified? Good thing you weren't there for the Kevin Kennedy years.

Also, who are all these New Yorkers who are "reveling" in Brady's injury? Everyone I've read or listened to talks about what a terrible shame it is. Even Bill Simmons was surprised that there wasn't more vitriol over this one. Are we just talking about anonymous meatheads on message boards? Well, what do you expect from them? I realize that these are the only kinds of people who will actually still talk to Curt Schilling, but the rest of us know that message boards are a cesspool. You don't go there for sparkling wit and compassion. You go to message boards to crack wise and to say horrible things about people. Most of the time you come up with a bitchin' pseudonym to protect yourself. Then you're free to play. It's not pleasant. I would be the first one to tell you that. But it's also not a representative sample of the way real people think and feel. And another thing, this awfulness is not exactly confined to New Yorkers.

Are we really going to play the "our fans would never act that way" game? Let me paint you a picture. Imagine, if you will, that the Manning brothers were in a horrific car accident that left them both paralyzed for life. Sounds terrible, doesn't it? How would Patriots fans react to that? Well, in Curt Schilling's world Pats fans would all hold hands, send flowers, and sing "Amazing Grace" for the next six months. The power of prayer cannot be underestimated. The reality, though, would be quite a bit different. Many a Pats fan would smile when they heard this news. There would be 24/7 confetti cannons firing from the top of the Cask 'N Flagon. Please, let's not pretend otherwise. It doesn't do anyone any good.

Sports fans, especially the blue collar kind, are not always great people. That's just the cold truth. When it comes to stuff like this, an injury to a rival's star player, the claws come out. It can be depressing. But it's not a fucking tri-state area thing. It's an everywhere thing. You know, Curt, it's really funny. Boston fans hate New York fans, and New York fans hate Boston fans. They both accuse the other guys of being creeps and frontrunners. They're both right, and they're both wrong. And everyone else in the world hates both of us.

Everyone I've talked to, read, or listened to, feels bad for Tom Brady. Even the most virulent Patriot haters think that this was a damn shame. Yet if you wanted to, if you looked in the right places, you would find jerks who took no small amount of pleasure in Brady's misfortune. Vinny from Bensonhurst and Vito from Staten Island probably don't feel the same way that I do. They probably high-fived each other when the news broke. Those guys are jerks. I don't agree with them on very much. But those aren't the only kind of sports fans in the world. There are real, decent sports fans outside of New England. Sorry, Curt.

You've taught me so much, no. 38. It's only fitting, since you're the smartest guy in the room.
I've learned:
That a man can be a world class, Hall of Fame-level talent
and a legendary big-game performer
and a devoted, loving father
and a deeply spiritual, devout Christian
and a generous soul who raises millions for charity.
And that man can still be a total asshole.

Here endeth the lesson.