Memo From God: "It Is Now OK To Mess With Texas"

Yesterday was quite a day for young Carlos Zambrano. He shut out the Astros of Houston by the score of 5-0. Pretty impressive feat, considering that the 'stros had just won 14 of their previous 15 contests. Even more impressive than this, however, was that Big Z threw not just a whitewash, but a bonafide no-hitter.

<----Here's the big fella celebrating the last out of his no-no, a strikeout of the hapless (but always gritty) Darin Erstad.

Now, you might be wondering to yourself "who on Earth is Carlos pointing to?" To which I would reply "have you never watched a baseball game before?" For the truth is that Carlos is not pointing to anyone on Earth, but rather to The Man Upstairs. You read that right: apparently, Jesus helped Z throw a no-hitter. Gee, that's not self-aggrandizing at all, is it? The idea that God himself has nothing better to do than to help you win a ballgame?

This is really nothing new. Athletes have a lot of dumb superstitions and irritating idiosyncrasies, but the Pointing To Jesus thing might just be the most asinine of them all. I mean, does Carlos really think that no one on the Astros team loves the Baby Jesus? Or maybe that Jesus only listens to the prayers of Cub pitchers? Is God's love reserved only for the Cubbies? You would certainly have a hard time proving that particular one, if the last 100 years were anything to go by. So what is it? Why would God punish the Astros like this? Clemens isn't even on the team anymore!

Hey, lots of players engage in this idiocy. I don't mean to single out Zambrano or the Cubs. I like the Cubs. I really do. When I'm not busy rooting for that team that I'm not allowed to talk about, I root for the Cubs. It's fun to root for the perennial underdog. I'd like to see them win it all one of these days. And Carlos Zambrano is very talented. He can be really fun to watch, especially when he's hitting. But Jesus didn't have a goddamn thing to do with that no-hitter.

Think about it; God could have been helping those poor people in Texas, you know? The ones whose homes were destroyed by Hurricane Ike. Those people. But instead, the Jesus was busy causing the Astros hitters to swing and miss. Does Jesus really have time for such things? One would think that God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, whatever, would be much too busy with the whole "running the entire universe" thing. One baseball game in September probably just doesn't rate, especially when you consider the average time of game these days. Heck, even if God were omnipotent and omniscient, surely he doesn't still control everything at all times. Perhaps it's all been written already. Do you mean to tell me that Carlos Zambrano's no-no was just one small part of the Divine Plan? I'm not buying it.

If I were Jesus, I'd be pretty ticked off by such an egocentric display. It's actually quite narcissistic, I think. Because what you're actually saying is that God is more invested in doing things for YOU than he is in ANYTHING ELSE. Your prayers mattered more than those of the other team. Your baseball game was more important than, say, the lives of anyone who prayed for mercy in Darfur. The higher-ups at Lehman Brothers are on suicide watch right now, but I'm sorry, God is not taking their calls.

I think that MLB should enact a rule: you can thank Jesus when good things happen, but only if you give Jesus the finger when something bad happens. You ground into an inning-ending double play with the tying run on third? Jesus gets the double-deuce. You give up a game-winning homer, you call God on the carpet in the postgame interview. I notice that Zambrano never makes any mention of his friend God after a bad start. Was God simply angry that day? Did they have a fight or something? And what about all of Zambrano's arm troubles? Were those God's way of just mixing things up a little? Man, God sure does like to test people.

If Zambrano cussed out God after a bad start, then I might take this whole thing a bit more seriously. The only punishment I ever see after these starts is that which gets dished out to the Gatorade cooler. I've seen that a bunch of times. Carlos is a bit of a hothead, as we all know. I just want to hear him curse out God after giving up 6 earned in 4 2/3 innings. Just once, I'd love to see it.

I've been looking at this all wrong. I got distracted by the fact that this game was played in Milwaukee. I totally forgot that this was a Texas team that got the no-no thrown at them. So not only does God pitch a no-hitter against the Astros, but he also sends one of those pesky hurricanes to devastate southern Texas. What does God have against Texas? If it was San Francisco, that I could understand. Bunch of godless commies living there. But Texas is God Country! You would expect a little clemency for Texas, right? It's getting to the point where you can't trust anybody.

I don't even know what to think anymore.